In my rational point of view
Maybe some things are instinctive
But there’s one thing you could do
You could try to understand me -
I could try to understand you
You could try to understand me -
I could try to understand you…"
- Rush/"Open Secrets"
"Yes, I'm confused too" :(.
A realization . . .
different voices in my head having a tug of war on all the pros and cons, scrutiny and insults that I have to admit I fear from being so open. In a crappy time of many men feeling emasculated, or "choosing" to be that, and many women ("girls") making it harder to talk to them, or even giving them compliments (man, that's a whole other conversation right there). Where now you have to "go online" to fill out a resume so they can take apart and figure you all out in a matter of minutes - so they'd like to believe, and this is
where we are in 2018. Just stick your head in the nearest guillotine and say CHEESE!
We haven't gotten closer, we've separated ourselves even farther. Men resorting to buying "Love dolls" and women want to complain about men being what they are . . . and yet they can't find "a real man". Gee, does anybody wonder why (that's rhetorical, irony, and other intellectual words without the question
mark).
And then, as being one of the guys, I'm not supposed to talk about such stuff, in detail and exposing "the
garden in my soul" - that's weakness and other expletives. Got to maintain that machismo bullshit. I'm not a SJW, a beta-male, or a hipster, feminist wannabe or a whatever . . . I'm just some dude trying to
understand how to make a relationship work with limited means, while I try to better myself and live with any woman I choose to be with, who wants to be with someone like me. Be civil, sane, ethical but not lose my dignity or self-respect, while respecting her values and all that she wants to be, all that she is.
But . . . I'm not going to be subservient to her without question, or not speak my mind when I have to and
let anyone go off without repercussion. I wont be a milquetoast if the woman is blaming me or presuming I
am something I'm not, just as she shouldn't take "shit" from anyone else, or me if I'm totally in the wrong.
I have a lot to learn, it never stops, a lot to realize and face, but I just want someone I can trust.
Yeah - the "beauty" is important to me too, inside and out. It gets my motor runnin', should I apologize
that I'm a "visual" guy? I'm a professional illustrator, its embedded in me. I guess that makes me very
superficial ("Toxic"! Oh NO!).
Well, the woman I had was gorgeous, she had a great laugh, great taste in music, a smile that blinded the sun and the intelligence to go with the whole package deal that was shipped & received by God himself
(itself, whatever, etc.). But God . . . you could've had us at-least live in the same state?
But right now, I'm a man of no means, just keeping life together takes all my strength to get up and tackle each day like everyone else. But many don't complain and just do it, those people do it everyday.
I think too much, and I know there are others out there that do too, we aren't special, just people who
think differently, listen to different musics and into unique interests. It's tougher for us to find that person who understands. I did find someone, but as you'll read (if you dare), its not a simple story, is it ever? But it took me too long to realize that I had to walk away as well. I just didn't want to get back on that road again, alone. It comes down to; WE were both to blame, but it doesn't help. We learn from our mistakes, I hope.
. . . at-least I have a soundtrack to keep this head occupied, even though that cloud is leaving me cold and soaking wet. Man, I hate feeling like this. There is no answer but moving forward. Got to carry on.
Or maybe I should just smash everything with my guitar (while its still plugged-in!), oh I forgot, my guitar
is in storage, I don't have an amplifier anymore and I don't live in my own house :(.
Prelude: With no answers.
I guess this is my message in a bottle, a warning, a fates warning to heartbreak. I know, maybe many of you are thinking "oh great, more drama . . . GET OVER IT!". Well, you may be right. But you know what, I'm not everyone and every individual has their version of relationships broken or unrequited love, and how it
affects them. I'm one of many among those lousy poets (lousy at poetry), bloggers, songwriters, novelists, that write about this stuff that you ALL have heard, bought and maybe even sulked upon in your own time of grieving, breakups or someone you never told anyone how freaking DEEP it was, and then POOF! they vanished from your life and you can't get anyone to understand that He or She wasn't like those typical people that fucked with your mind in the past or used you. THIS one had something that was reciprocated, genuine and real, but something, someone or a situation, made that person make a seriously wrong and rash decision, and it was all over.
Either we are making ourselves "think" that, or right now - they could read something like this, and
possibly be saying this very minute; ". . . . oh my God, how did I screw this up?"
"Drama" over simplifies all that I'm feeling about this, it diminishes all the devotion I had put into it. And I don't mean to diminish other peoples awful experience when I say, this feels like someone died, and maybe
I died too, at-least a part of me.
I don't know anything, I don't have a crystal ball telling me exactly what happened, all I know is what I
know. The so-called "facts" that are/were before me like a detective looking for clues, with rationality,
human behaviour and that gut feeling, and looking at the criminal straight in the eye looking at me in the mirror. Something for psychiatrists to figure out and give you the remedy to take charge of your life and move on, too bad it can't be in pill form (no, I'm not talking about drowning in drugs and booze. Don't do that). It's unfortunate we can't be a fly on the wall, or maybe we learn too much, maybe things we don't want to hear or face (. . . that mirror again).
Where did all that love, goofiness, fuzziness, laughter and sharing daily stories to each other turn into
nothing. Hours and hours on the phone or texting (me text!? well, not on a phone for me ) . . .
to absolutely nothing at all. Please, just fade away :(.
I mean what!? That's kids stuff! 20 somethings! Not people in their 50's! . . . FIFTIES! This is not girls and guys being absent minded, this is Men and Women being communicative right? Mature grown people who lived life and chucked the bullshit behind us. Trusted in Love, not monetary or materialistic gain! Where was that point in time where someone can give up so easily and forget all we had, all that made us laugh and nurture each other, give each other hope, a back to lean on and really believe WE, not just 1 of us, could help move mountains for the greater good . . . for US?
Will you say I was a good man?
That you felt my love and that you loved me too
What will you say about me?
Will you say that it was perfect
Or it wasn't worth the pain I put you through?"
- Redemption/"What will you say"
We had the music . . .
The music was another mirror, and an escape, it had a huge part of our lives throughout the point of our meeting. It's a way emotionally we can understand each other by the music, the melody and the lyrics that matched our plight or the attraction, our chemistry. But wait, not only did they write songs about it, we saw things that were much more complex than those simple answers or simple pop songs - it was MUCH more than just drama.
People have real problems and issues, but for some mixed-up reasons, they felt they couldn't trust US enough to help, to listen, to vent or share their deepest secrets. Why are so many people so closed-up? I TRUSTED this person with all my soul, like a mature adult - and still, THEY gave up!
So WHEN are we ever going to meet the "right one" in the world, if everyone is afraid to face themselves in the proverbial mirror, much less look at eachother in the eye? It's like the troubled times we all live in, easier to point at others for blame, but come across that mirror in the morning, you can't even be honest with yourself. FIX that person 1st before taking on the world and what you "perceive" is wrong.
Nope, take the rash decision and jump right into the fire! Oh no . . . it burns! No shit.
But also, if you were in a relationship that "burned" and left scars - you had an out, and I was that person who would catch you when you'd fall, help put out those fires, laid a place of comfort and feel secure :'(.
Tracks that speak volumes . . .
Anger Sorrow Longing Self-loathing Bitterness Loss Regrets Stupidity Weeping Rage Surrender
Music to fill, create and reflect all that I feel. To make sure what I'm feeling was real and that I must let go.
This is just another part in my "story", but I needed to talk about it, its something that I had to tell everyone that this simply will NOT be just another chapter like a notch in my book (that I plan to write - someday). This was something life changing and devastating to me. This was much more than casual friendships, or a distant friend on Facebook that you may never meet. Even though our time on Fb holds very unique and funny experiences, its hard to go back to that place (and for other reasons too). It's like a home you can't go back to because a loved one has died there.
Along with our limited mini vacations we took to be with each other, and all the discussions and laughter, I
have more fond memories than bad with this woman, but this situation brings out all the guilt I'm feeling of what I did wrong, and how she broke my heart and I'm still picking up the pieces, gathering them up, and trying to move forward . . . trying is the operative word here. But was it worth it? I'm only left with more questions, sorrow and self-doubt.
Yet another new journey to set on a road alone and discover who and what I am in the world, and what I take with me to be a better man, and what I actually think of myself in a world today, and what WE had . . .
Confusion's pulled the reins tight in your soul
You think it's all going to make sense
That accomplishments are gonna make you whole..."
- Jefferson Starship/"Save your Love"
I
And here I stand before this road . . .
The door is closed behind us
And the long road lies ahead
- Where do we go from here . . ."
- Fates Warning/"Leave the past behind"
A long road alone into the mist . . .
It's the thing I wanted more than working on a freaking Star Wars film. I mean, if I had that woman, I could share that JOY of getting that gig, and the life during and after the success, and nurture her career, in whatever she wanted to make of her life. As long as it was together - the world was ours, seeing the world and we could live that life of bliss, the one that we dodged all those pianos falling from the sky for, the wrong choices, the wrong people, wrong turns . . . the path we finally took, with more confidence of experiences, led us to a road that was new, and each of those paths lead us to where they met. You looked at me, I at you, and we asked after we got to know each other, that fateful question . . .
And you wipe away the tears
To find a woman, not a girl
Just that feeling, like the beginning of the world
- Beginning of the world"
- Foreigner/"Woman oh woman"
And my feelings will always shine!
I've never betrayed your trust
I've never betrayed your faith
I'll never forsake your heart
I'll never forget your face!
There's a feeling that I can't describe
There's a reason that I cannot hide
Because I've never seen a light that's so bright
As the light that shines behind your eyes!"
- Anathema/"Untouchable Part I"
I had a female friend recently say to me after seeing a few photos of her, and both of us together; "Oh my God! No wonder why you can't let go of her . . . she's GORGEOUS! And that hair! - I'm depressed now, you guys looked soo happy together". And she was gorgeous inside too :').
Not only that, but in her words; "you made me think of things in ways I never thought of". When was I EVER someone's "champion"? A woman's trusted companion, and who made it clear that she longed for my words, my thoughts, presence, friendship and love? She accepted all that I was and more.
Other ideas and beliefs were not exactly the same (though others strongly were alike), but that's good, we had things to talk about. When there was silence, it was because I admired her, I loved that she existed, I could smell her, taste her, even with soo many miles between us, it was those senses that stayed with me from having our mini vacations together. That was super hard for both of us to be apart - but I saw that as giving us the space we needed to do what we had to, to grow. She had lots to do, and a young daughter to take care of. And I didn't want the thought of this "stranger" to be a thing to deter her from her studies, she was an exceptionally advanced student who needed to focus on her schooling, friends, being a kid and having time with her mother. Especially at a vulnerable age of a teen, having enough troubles trying to fit in, in a very cynical and jaded world. I had no want of being another distraction.
Mom was trying to figure out what to do with her new "freedom". Not working for sometime being a Mom, she needed security, but I wanted her to have confidence in herself, feel strong, independent and
resourceful on her own. But she had revealed that she was vulnerable because we had something she never had or was used to, I gave her unconditional love and I desired her. There were bouts of jealousy and panic at things that didn't exist, just "people" I knew that were also long distance friends, I never met them, young and older women that were just acquaintances. I have male, female friends of all types (those few, that were married or had boyfriends, but I had no interest in "more") - but something I am not is 2 faced or some kind of machismo jackass that has multiple (secret) partners, or keeps more than one around just in case, always on the lookout for a "better pick" (that freaking creeps me out).
This woman I loved was THEE one. I wanted to be with her forever, I planned to marry her, have her keep her family name and add "Velázquez" to that long name of hers.
I had my "secret" held close to me like a sacred sword, on how I was going to propose to her, a dream I've had for decades of my life searching for that woman that I would reveal this gift, and lay down my honour for her as her conquistador, for her hand and become the knight she longed for. Not as a knight in shining cardboard, but the real thing.
"You are a sun Goddess!
Will you save me? ...pain...pain...pain...!!!
Cause it's all in the heat of the moment
It's all in the pain!!!
So give in to the heat of the moment
Give in to the pain!!!"
- The Devin Townsend Project/"Deadhead"
Though, I had a temper too because of the relationship I had with my Parents, it was hard to talk, give my "opinion" when I was being yelled at and being told how wrong I was, or the insults, or what a failure I was in everything I did, and that I wanted to be a designer/illustrator never fit in with their plans for me. But doesn't at all give me a pass :(.
So my stupid habit was to be defensive when "anyone" had an opinion, advice or ideas of what I should do.
GUILTY as charged! I misunderstood those few things that my beautiful woman had to give me a push not a shove to be a better man. I took it as a personal attack, and on the phone I'd yell like my Father :'(.
Or if she just wanted to know the why's, why "guys" treat and talk to their spouses, girlfriends etc. the way they do, or why guys mistreat their women. So here I was, "not one of those" guys - yet, thinking,
perceiving, she was accusing me of being like them, or the way her ex treated her. And here I was yelling at her :(. It's all too clear now, too little too late.
Dumb ass, you are adding to the grief SHE lived through already, the grief I lived through, throughout my childhood and the beginnings of my adult life. I knew better, I know better NOW - I screwed up and now what do I do? Though I would apologize, and felt so awful I'd beat myself up for it. I felt terrible for being that way - and I can see (I saw it then too, soon after) it may have added to the apprehension about me at times. Give pause to her friends, and also use it to their advantage if they wanted her to stay. But, how could I do that to her, what were you thinking . . .
(Over and over again)
Over and over
Over and over again
I let you down . . ."
- Kings X/"Over and Over"
Open wounds and mistakes . . .
When we started on traditional roles
She said, 'Sure, I'll be your partner
But don't make too many demands'
I said, 'If love has these conditions
I don't understand those songs you love'
She said, 'This is not a love song
This isn't fantasyland..."
- Rush/"Cold Fire"
- Let time slip on by when I should have created art instead of "talking" with her for hours. We could have worked out a reasonable schedule for both of us to take care of our lives and careers. To get the rest she
needed.
- I needed to keep drawing to apply for studios I wanted to work for. This would be OUR future together to find a place to live, to prepare, someplace that was beautiful and with the confidence that we could do it. And be the provider, the man I always wanted to be :(.
- With those goals and hard work I'd get out of this home and city I still live in. Too far from the industry I need to be in. This home in the early days, and back when our "relationship" from a distance needed a strong foundation, took its toll when I had to deal with a roommate that became an emaciated Meth addict.
Where the landlord and myself were being threatened, and I was stupid to share this info with a woman going through too much as it was already! As my friend put it one night with another friend looking on;
"Man, you can't put a woman through that shit! Why would a woman want to go through all that?"
It was a punch in the gut, he was absolutely right . . . but by the time I had that talk, it was already waay over. I just didn't accept it yet, I was pining for hope, another chance for redemption and still broken.
I know you are disappointed that I'm still here, not happy, and not doing what I should be doing to make "my" life better, happier. I know it my love, it hurts, it burns me and you. I felt like trash living in a white trash trailer park (The landlord/roommate actually has a very nice home and was super kind to have me here). I'm just over and done having or being a roommate and all that goes with it, and my girl knew that, and I should have done something about it back then.
Yes, I may had a opportunity to live somewhere else, but it wasn't really where I wanted to be, without "a sure thing", and it would probably be one frying pan to another. I couldn't make another rash decision like that, be back to risking my life and having nothing again. Experiences I've had to learn the hard way that could have been explained if I had more time to share, to know why I am so cautious about the time being
right to make that move. I ponder now that it feels like hope was taken away, along with both our hearts.
- The yelling, it didn't happen all the time, but when it did, it made me feel sick and disgusted at myself because the love she deserved. A man that not only loved her like I did, but was patient, kind and
understanding of what she actually meant when just asking deep questions. They weren't personal attacks, she just wanted an opinion from my personal perspective. She did tell me 2 times that I needed to be more
understanding, because I hadn't had a relationship for soo long. If she didn't love me soo much, she wouldn't had said that. I screwed up - more regrets I will have to live with the rest of my existence.
- I should have been there in the "moment" with her. There was the time she wanted me at the beach with her. I loved living near the water and have, when I lived in Venice in 1997. But here we were on our brief
vacation, and for some stupid reason that is beyond me, I was feeling "lazy", though I'm not a Summer person and intense sunlight makes me a bit ill (since I was a little kid, intense heat used to make me sick with migraines and/or stomach aches). But damn it Tony! She wanted you to be there for her, in the sun, enjoying the day, admiring her, and making her feel wanted, needed.
Or not feeling "intimate" on a particular morning at our B&B, she was EVERYTHING I desired and I took away that moment from her, I denied her letting her love me . . . :'(.
I dwelled on the money I didn't have for our vacation, instead of focusing on her, the money I had, and the love that was bursting out of her, and I denied her all that I was for her in those moments. There were many more times SHE had the money for our meals, and again, the guilt I had that I should have helped more. We had some tender moments, laughs and enjoyed the places we went to, but other "pianos" fell too that were totally out of our control. Those became louder than the moments that were real and full of love.
When it was time for her to go back home, the "emptiness" of her leaving and then those final moments, and heading home were agonizing, it was a sad long way home. She was gone and I had to wait till we were both home to talk again.
It reminded me of our first night together, after our first meet, and I took her, and when she left my Hotel room and had to go back to her family . . . how empty it was when she left, it was an ache I never had before, it opened the floodgates, knowing it be some time till I saw her again (I told her this when she made it back home, and it broke her heart as well, we both let those floodgates loose). I never thought there would come a time that I'd "never" be with her again. The path I saw ahead was together with no other paradigm.
- Distance. If we both had the means (and wishing it was mostly ME), this would have helped us being
together and dealing with the realities of seeing how compatible we really could be. I don't see how others make it work living so far apart. But the only logical way I see it is having a total openness of each others lives and having the financial means to see each other as often as possible, within the time that was
reasonable with everything we needed to deal with. I didn't have that steady income to be with her as much
as I wanted to be. Success or a better job wasn't in my grasp, and that's not conducive to making a
relationship last. For that I feel the biggest failure :(.
- The point for BOTH of us; Why did WE dwell on what we didn't have instead of what we had?
- Does it mean that everything would be okay between the 2 of us, if I watched my p's and q's and was responsible and had results? I want to believe so. It was WORTH fighting for! Every inch, every mile.
When you share, prepare to give a lot
Just remember when you look at me
You are you and I am me
When you're ready I will be here
I can help you to lose your fear
You better stand up on your feet
If you ever want to feel my heat"
- Victor/"Start Today"
destiny from day one. I loved you soo much in that time WE had. With all my messed-up stuff, that I was learning to drop the sword and replace it with YOU.
You were my saving grace, you were a gift from Christ's own hands, he placed you in front of me, and I blew it. Even with my own self-esteem issues, I was confidant of my love. And I was sure as the sky is blue that I loved you with all my heart and soul. But I have this terrible "looking back" as I see my mistakes strewn on the floor. The times you wanted me to do better and move forward, that I would have taken with a grain of salt and a tender hand. You would have opened your arms for me, and my whole world would have been in your bosom that waited for just me. The silence makes it loud and clear now :(.
. . . I'm so sorry I screwed up, and somewhere deep inside this lone soul, I can "feel" that you are sorry too. But I guess it all came too late. This is not a love song, this isn't the movie with the happy ending. It's another Greek tragedy where the script is already written. Another movie I've seen without you, and I'm seeing it for the hundredth time, and you wished I saw it for the 1st time with you.
Maybe too, she had friends whispering in her ear, not wanting her to leave to the place of fruits, nuts and flakes, maybe I didn't fit in, maybe I was over my head, not sophisticated enough? I couldn't give a damn, I loved her and it didn't matter what THEY thought, or if she worried about what my family would think, they already have their ideas and perceptions of what I was. All that mattered was me and her . . . US.
I lived for her night and day
But all of her friends said since I wasn't wealthy
There'd be no room for a stranger to stay!"
- Kansas/"No room for a Stranger"
Was it all set up for disaster? No, no one is perfect, and I've seen couples deal with MUCH worse and they fight for what's right for each other. Some I've even seen no glimpses of laughter and constant badgering and belittling. How can people be so serious or angry? And I think back to all the laughter between us. But through the laughs and the doubts, we should have believed in ourselves, as much as each other. I thought we could have gotten there. I was still open to do all it took, no matter what, no matter the obstacles and the distances between us. No matter how far we were, we still had that bond that bound us like all the fibers in a rope, that electric current that held us together, we weren't going anywhere with anyone else - so why worry? We'd find whatever way to sustain ourselves and share it all. We'd fill-in all we lacked, fill each other with more love till it overflowed. We each had the missing piece to fill the gaps - if only she saw that too, if only she remembered :(.
And I'd mean it when I say I love you, and I'd let it show
Each day I'm alive I would only live to make you feel fine
All that and more I would do
If you were still mine..."
- Everon/"If you were still mine"
bigger hand? I don't want to believe that with all my heart. Everything we did for each other I thought
were rich enough to keep us going, and strive to attain something better and substantial - did I lie to
myself, or did you lie to me? Because I never lied to you. Or did "reality" give in, instead of new
possibilities and the road less traveled that was too frightening for you?
You had better understand
That the silver in your pocket
Ain't no measure of a man
- And though the fortunes of our fathers
We aspire to rise above
When you're born into a breed
You're signed in blood!"
- Survivor/"Poor Man's Son"
Years were only yesterdays . . .
Don't get lost in bitterness
Save the dreams
You had when we started
Do the things you have to do
But don't forget the love we knew
Don't lose your love
'Cause we've parted!"
- Jefferson Starship
. . . and to the depths
Count my mistakes and let me through
Whisper in my ear
You've taken more than we've received
And the ocean of sorrow is you"
- Opeth/"Burden"
I've been through heartbreaks before, yeah they hurt a lot. I thought I was in love and when I look back as I have many times - it was nothing, they were a waste of time and a life's breath. They wouldn't be more than what they were, mind fucks, playing with my heart because they could. They left a trail of dead that I should have seen and stayed far away from. Or maybe it was the personality that raised its head to see the ugly truth. I didn't need another "Mother", I have one already and that relationship could be hot to cold already. I needed a best friend as well as a lover who respected me as I did her, and nurtured and made her feel like she was truly special, because she deserved it. Not put on a pedestal, but an equal.
No, this woman was different than anyone else, the one that gave me the time of day after all the years of snears, snickers or laughter when I walked away. This woman genuinely loved me for all I was and what
ever she saw in her head and heart. I gave my heart and soul freely because I believed ALL her words about me. I believe to this day all she was - but what hurts is those same words that I KNEW she believed in were simply forgotten. Somewhere, in a panic and rash decisions she decided to go back to what she knew was wrong! Did he or she have a price, and did she really take it? Did she sell herself out, even for the moment, to have that house and money, for her health, lifestyle, for her new opportunities to grab . . . yet sell her soul to the higher bidder? But, would I also sell-out to become something I'm not, just to provide, and be miserable losing my dreams as well, just to put bread on the table yet suffering inside?
gaps as large as years
Ambition had the same properties as a butcher's blade
The solstice in their eyes betrayed
a change of seasons in their minds
Reversed the hourglass impatiently for more wasted time to pass"
- Autumn/"The Heart Demands"
2 years ago was only yesterday for me - time flew by in a matter of moments as 1 season blended to the next. And I held on to a rope with no end, no anchor to hold me up while you lived with your decision, a rash one at that, that when you laid it on me, I was dumbstruck. I was on the floor already bleeding and was kicked a few more times by your silence. I didn't have the strength to get up and simply ask; "How much time do you need?" when you pushed me away :(. I had my issues to attend to and you had yours, and I totally understand that it was too much to lay on your shoulders. But a "break" was to give us a little time, not to sever the line that I held onto for 2 years without all those words we used to share. From hours and hours of laughter, goofiness, plans, sharing our thoughts and soo much love to . . .
But the rope had no end, as I grasped at each inch, each yard through 2 years of silence and a few typed words of cold descriptions, with no love, no empathy, but only words strung together with information of all you were doing, but words that had no life behind them - with too many months between, yet not ONE word that said; "Tony, I can't be with you any more".
I was supposed to guess, read your mind, read between the lines, or just fade away so you wouldn't have to deal with all the emotions. The way children do, like teenagers, like anyone that doesn't want to take responsibility or face honestly. Just like the way you were fired from your first job (or laid-off, whatever) - that split us in two, where once I was cleaved to you, we were one. For me, it was never that easy, it wasn't a sheet of paper with empty words, crumbled and tossed into the trash.
I've reached the end of that rope you let go, and now I'm drowning, wave after wave reaching out to you and you walk away from the dock, hoping I just swim away, well I'm sinking to the depths.
I can’t seem to speak now (You never talk to me)
My words won’t come out right (What are you thinking?)
I feel like I’m drowning (What are you feeling?)
I’m feeling weak now (Why won’t you talk to me?)
But I can’t show my weakness (You never talk to me)
I sometimes wonder (What are you thinking?)
Where do we go from here (What are you feeling?)"
- Pink Floyd/"Keep Talking"
"WE GOT LOST ALONG THE WAY, THIS AUTUMN SONG DECAYS!
So we watched the sun for one more day
EMBRACE THE SEASON'S CHANGE, WASH IT ALL AWAY!
Make a wish and hold our final gaze...
As the moon eclipsed the sun...
The longest night goes on...
THE RUTHLESS TIDE, BRINGS THE WINTER NIGHT!
I HAVE NO MORE LIGHT... IN MY LIFE!!!
Life have mercy on me, I can't bury this.
Bury this suffering.
Life have mercy on me I can't bury this.
Bury this suffering . . ."
- Oceans of Slumber/"Winter"
You had that voice of longing, wanting me to be with you to tuck you in. The tone in your voice that melted my heart, and that you desired me. All that was gone, because of a "Job", a career you don't even follow anymore. As you live this new life to learn a new skill, and how you live it makes me drown and choke a little more.
But I need you to know I NEVER "used" you at anytime, and I still live with the times I owed you, but you deny me that as well as you close each door to keep in contact with you in every way. So you shut me out totally from your life. But I can't believe that now it makes me feel ill, makes me feel as if I were a "creep", an idiot that you want no part of - I was a HUGE mistake for you.
I still feel your presence, I still feel unanswered questions and reasons, I still feel a faint echo of your senses, the radar waves across the miles. The electricity and chemistry you used to send, when I knew you'd call, or a question or thought I knew that was coming, a time you reached out and amazed me that we had that connection from so far away. It lingers, I still "wait" to hear more, but stubbornness vs fear prevents me from going any further. Pride and other stupidity that prevents both of us to act, to tear down walls, and face our fears. But was it all lies, and now I'm some weird guy that "won't let go"? Even though you have NEVER said anything like that to hurt me. But I can't be that loathsome can I, as much as when I see my reflection - disgusted?
"Down
Down on me (Down on me)
Drowning me (Drowning me)
No use in pretending like we've done before
Down
Down on me (Down on me)
My dark reverie
Nothing lasts forever, just revolving doors"
- Queensrÿche/"Dark Reverie"
Share what we've shared
For I'm damned to know
Exactly just what might have been
Can't somebody stop this?
I feel like I'm drowning!
And everywhere I turn the water's deeper!"
- Redemption/"Sapphire"
. . .Walking that road alone
A friend of mine said the other day, albeit with sadness, as he had been witnessed (and acknowledged a few times) to a few funny and corny conversations I had when calling my girl on the way home from jobs; "Well, I'm glad you're moving on" - and I thought, yeah, moving on to another stage of grief :(.
I loved you and waited for you - I just don't know what else to do, but let you go, and let you live your life, as I try to get out of this emptiness and tackle what I need to do to live. A half-life because if success does come, who am I supposed to share it with if you are not here. But the last words I heard from you were too cold and distant that held nothing behind it, the few words let it known that I was a nuisance in your life. And I finally woke up to accept that this was the end, deeply killing my heart, and making me feel ugly, creepy and betrayed. I give you the keys back to the doors you unlocked . . .
But I carry on, and I carry what you were with me wherever I go. But sooner or later I have to find another face if I can, if anyone allows me in like you did. But even they will not be what WE had, it was OUR "story"
that I enjoyed reading and being a part of. Maybe you will reopen the pages, when the rain comes down and you wished I'd safely come in from the storm, as I'm sure with tears that blend with the shadows on the windowpane that I see that vision of drying you from the downpour, and a kiss to welcome you home.
Once in your life you'll find
The kind of love that never ends
The kind I want back again
So let the rain fall down
It's such a lonely sound
Let the rain fall down
My God I love that sound!
It takes me back..."
- Kansas/"Once in a Lifetime"
Epilogue: End of yet another chapter
When did we reach that fork in the road
That carried us from our home?
Where did we go wrong?
How could we lose the words to our song
When we were writing it all along?"
- Enchant/"Beautiful"
. . . we had something special.
Love with ALL your heart people. Anyone that was able to stick it out by reading to this point and not jumping out the nearest window - It's no use to love less or even halfway, you get what you put out, what you give is what you get. Don't let stupid things get in the way of all that emotion and soul that makes up for that love in every sinew of your being. We don't exist in a vacuum, and all we do is to share all we are with the one we love, of no measure, timeless and as wide as the cosmos. No one should face this world alone, and if you are, you need to make that effort to find the one you need, because they need it too. If you're looking for a handsome man, a beautiful woman, both inside and out, or you don't care so much on looks but the content of their character, go look for it in person. Go find that true person with nothing to hide, not through the ether but face to face. You are NOT a resume or a robot made to do tasks. You are flesh and blood and you FEEL, you need to be loved, and if you never had it, you will know what it is when it hits you in the chest like a bolt of lightning!
Let my story be a cautionary tale, almost every essay I've written involves this woman I loved, it deals with pain and joy, longing and regrets, sorrow and triumph, melancholy and satisfaction, depth and flying,
personality, physical attraction and mental attraction, music and ideas, chemistry and . . . . L O V E.
Go! Find it, and give it all you got, its all worth it not to be alone in the world, whoever you are and
whatever you believe in. It makes this cold gray world a brighter place.
. . . . Now if I could only live those words Yoda!
And those empty promises are just the same
When our time has come to end, it's over then
It's over then, it's over..."
- Fates Warning/"The Light and Shade of Things"
Awareness of this fire, kerosene
Ignite the trial of my mind
Above the horizon now
Upon the freezing tracks
Grasp for the embers of my life"
- Katatonia/"The Last Song before the Fade"
So it makes me wonder how women tolerate the various harsher or extreme personalities out there . . .
As I have said in another essay - If there are stories such as; "Shine", "American Splendor", "A Beautiful Mind", "The Theory of Everything", "Amadeus", "Love & Mercy" (this includes 2 other films, although fictional characters from "The Fisher King" and "Sideways" that reflect the human condition, trying to find the confidence to love) and many other films, all about introverts, geniuses, who are also a bit nuts or neurotic, yet have found someone in the real life stories that loved them regardless, who nurtured them.
How is it that some of us have been left out? Like the most goofiest or nerdy guys I see on the streets, with the beautiful young woman in their arms, even homeless/strung-out men have someone to love them.
. . . makes US feel pretty pathetic not being able to attract anyone at all. Yet with all my own weirdness, I attracted a woman who told me that my "look" was never on her radar, but there was something about me that she told me; "I love your look" - (pointing to myself in bewilderment) who, ME?
Well - she was new to me, and attractive like a plane slamming into my face and waking up to colors I've never seen before. Why would this "uptown girl" be interested in a guy like me? So was I the odd man in (or out?), even though I asked her the day I stepped into her home; "What are you doing with me?", I still felt in the same league, I still wanted her and loved her. I had confidence in myself that I belonged to her, it felt like I was her hero, a knight in shining armor. I don't care about any wealth, but I wanted enough to
have freedom for us to enjoy our entire life together, as long as she wanted to make a new life with me, and leaving all the darkness behind. I had no price to pay, only sacrificing what I needed to do, but maybe she had a price . . . . and I couldn't pay it, and it broke me. No, it wasn't any "money" she spent from me, she was more honorable than that, but she could only see "my" immediate future for us, and she presumed I
could not take care of us. So she went back to what she knew, co-dependent, what she was used to :(. But I
hope at the very least for the time being, as she finds her own means and independence. But it doesn't
mean I don't feel anger, sorrow and disappointment. I have enough for myself to linger on as well.
But now I've had to get up, and face my life alone. More broken than just my wallet, and with my heart, picking up the pieces of all I was, and all I can do is walk that new road yet again, just because. It's been
hard to get up and face the day all this time, I don't know how anymore. It's hard to have believed in
something so much, and see it just fade, pushed away into nothing, gone from existence . . .
Coulda fooled around for fame
But you went and took a chance
On the real thing!"
- Survivor
I've talked way too much - I will let the music and their words speak on, and maybe for you as well.
Goodbye my love, I only wish you the best in your life. But we had an open road ahead of us with a bright
horizon of possibilities. I close this book, put it on the shelf. And maybe one day . . . you'll reach for it, and review the pages within and remember. But this is yours as much as mine . . .
Fanned by a flame, I can't remember
But distant lights still burn bright
And the road goes on forever, forever
...Forever,
forever, forever, forever"
- Fates Warning/"The Road goes on Forever"
All the words unsaid
And we're still afraid of time
Started to keep ourselves
At a distance that we could control
Not too close
Not too far
Now we never talk when we fall apart
We just never talk when we fall apart"
- Riverside/"We got used to Us"
To be over . . .
~ presented in 4 broken pieces ~
- Prelude:
. . . I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen :'(
Frost* - First Day
Björk - Into a black lake . . .
- Part 1:
Eagles - Wasted Time (Reprise)
Fates Warning - Leave The Past Behind
Opeth - Coil
Juliet - Everon
Riverside - Loose Heart
The Devin Townsend Band - Deadhead
Steven Wilson - Hand Cannot Erase
The Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
Pink Floyd - Keep Talking
Peter Gabriel - Come Talk to Me
Dream Theater - Speak to me
Zebra - Tell me what you want
Michael Kiske Amanda Somerville - Silence
Fates Warning - We Only Say Goodbye
Starbreaker - How many more Goodbyes?
Norah Jones - Say Goodbye
Asia - The Last To Know
"I was the first one to really know your name, And you were the first one for me" . . .
Kansas - I Counted On Love
Uriah Heep - That's the Way That It Is
Foreigner - Woman Oh Woman
Led Zeppelin - Babe I'm Gonna Leave You
Joey Eppard - Static
Anathema - Untouchable: Pt. 1
Sting - The Hounds Of Winter
(500) Days of Summer; Consoling Tom
Frost* - No Me No You
Porcupine Tree - Open Car
Victor - Sending out a Warning
Dream Theater - You Not Me
Vox Tempus - What About
Kings X - Alone
Kansas - How My Soul Cries Out for You
Carcass - No Love Lost
Nevermore - The Death Of Passion
Genesis – Mama (Long Version)
Dream Theater - Lie
Three Dog Night - Liar
Envy of None - Liar
Fleetwood Mac - The Chain
3 - Talkin' Bout
Cinema/Yes - It's Over
Light The Torch - It's Over
Enchant - Break
Borealis - Where We Started
Dreamscape - Borderline
Everon - North
Fates Warning - The Eleventh Hour
Saraya - Tear Down the Wall
Tori Amos - China
Opeth - Hours of Wealth
King's X - Repeating Myself
Ark - I Bleed
Magnum - Two Hearts
Saga - Waiting in the wings
Honeymoon Suite - What does it take?
Kansas - Anything for You
Queensrÿche - I Dream In Infrared
Redemption - Sapphire
Emerson, Lake & Palmer - Trilogy
10cc - I'm Not In Love
Dio - As Long As It's Not About Love
ABBA - The Winner Takes It All
The Gathering - Saturnine
District 97 - Open Your Eyes
Mythologic - Truth Undiscovered
Aghora - Open close the book
Azusa - Programmed To Distress
Throne of Chaos - The Window
TesseracT - Concealing Fate:
Part One: Acceptance
Part Two: Deception
Part Three: The Impossible
Part Four: Perfection
Part Five: Epiphany
Dream Theater - Scarred
Katatonia - July
Tori Amos - Silent All These Years
Tal Wilkenfeld - Pieces of Me
- Part 2:
Kenji Kawai/Ghost in the Shell OST - Nightstalker
Yes - Changes
Queensrÿche - The Killing Words
Tesla - Changes
Electric Light Orchestra - It's Over
Fates Warning - Life in Still Water
Asia - Only Time Will Tell
Saga - Easy Way Out
3 (Three) - Shadow Play
Journey - Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)
Jefferson Starship - Save Your Love
Autumn - The Heart Demands
Kansas - Don't Take Your Love Away
Peter Gabriel - Love to Be Loved
Fates Warning - Eye To Eye
Rainbow - I Surrender
Alcatrazz - Suffer Me
Black Sabbath - No Stranger to Love
Whitesnake - Love ain't no stranger
Kansas - No Room for a Stranger
Survivor - Poor Man's Son
Gary Moore - Don't Take Me For A Loser
Rush - Cold Fire
Victor - Start Today
David Gilmour - All lovers are deranged
Steve Vai - Lovers Are Crazy
Trevor Rabin - Something To Hold On To
Queen - Sweet Lady
(500) Days of Summer; Rachel Hansen's thoughts
Enchant - Acquaintance
Boston - A man I'll never be
Yes - The Man You Always Wanted Me To Be
Steve Walsh - Haunted Man
Chroma Key - On the Page
Pink Floyd - Yet Another Movie
Rush - Emotion Detector
Devin Townsend - Tiny Tears
RTZ - Until your love comes back...
Revolution Saints - When The Heartache Has Gone
Honeymoon Suite - Feel It Again
Peter Gabriel - That Voice Again
Katatonia - The One You Are Looking For Is Not Here
Anathema - The Lost Song Part 2
Redemption - What Will You Say ?
Saraya - When You See Me Again
Fates Warning - Down To The Wire
Anneke van Giersbergen & Agua de Annique - Wonder
Saga - Promises
Trevor Rabin - Promises
Mike and the Mechanics - Taken In
Eric Johnson - Lonely In The Night
Blue Murder - Jelly Roll
Led Zeppelin - Tangerine
Asia - Without You
Saga - Without You
Queensrÿche - Bulletproof
Fates Warning - Firefly
Vangough - Disloyal
Crimson Glory - Lonely
Stone Fury - Life Is Too Lonely
Vandenberg - Burning Heart
Kim Mitchell - Feel it Burn
Cheap Trick - The Flame
Leaves Eyes - For Amelie
Zebra - Take your fingers from my hair
500 Days of Summer; "What are WE!???"
Enchant - Beautiful
Porcupine Tree - The Start Of Something Beautiful
District 97 - Snow Country
Sting - Shape of my Heart
To-Mera - Then Blood
Mastodon - Oblivion
The Gathering - Leaves
Phil Collins - I Don't Care Anymore
Frost* - Milliontown
Smashing Pumpkins - Drown
Tori Amos - Baker Baker
Edie Brickell & New Bohemians - Stwisted
- Part 3:
What Dreams May Come; "I'm Sorry..."
Pain of Salvation - Dryad Of The Woods
Kings X - Over and Over
Elton John - Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word
Dream Theater - Repentance
Opeth - Will O the Wisp
Everon - If you were still mine
Riverside - Us
Queen - Who Wants to Live Forever
Magnum - The Lights Burned Out
Kim Mitchell - All We Are
Adrian Belew - Phone Call From The Moon
Electric Light Orchestra - Telephone Line
Todd Rundgren - Hello its me
Rainbow - Since You Been Gone
Survivor - The One That Really Matters
RTZ - There's another side
Jorn - I Know There's Something Going On
Mike & The Mechanics - Hanging By A Thread
Rush - Open Secrets
Genesis - Misunderstanding
Saga - What Do I Know
GTR - Imagining
Elton John - Funeral for a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding
Say Anything; Gas and Sip on a Friday night
Todd Rundgren - We Gotta Get You A Woman
UFO - Try Me
Gary Moore - The Loner
Fates Warning - Inward Bound
The Fountain: Soundtrack - The Last Man
Opeth - Coil (Duet Mix) II
Blackfield - Pain
Katatonia - Lethean
Gardenian - If Tomorrow's Gone
Saxon - Nightmare
Bring on the rain . . .
Bruce Hornsby - Mandolin Rain
Redemption - Let It Rain
Triumph - Tears in the Rain
Magnum - Crying in the Rain
Mike Keneally - I'm Raining Here, Inside
Queensrÿche - Another Rainy Night (Without You)
Rush - Bravado
Marillion - The Sky Above The Rain
Concrete Blonde - Rain
Kansas - Once In A Lifetime
Filter - Miss Blue
Anathema - Electricity
Pain of Salvation - Chain Sling
Riggs - Over and Over
Black Sabbath - Over and Over
Led Zeppelin - I'm Gonna Crawl
The Skyliners - Since I Don't Have You
Emerson Lake & Palmer - C'est La Vie
After Forever - Empty Memories
Opeth - Hope Leaves
Van Halen - I'll Wait
Def Leppard - Photograph
Saga - Only Time Will Tell
Rush - Available Light
Yes - Final Eyes
Yngwie J. Malmsteen - You Don't Remember, I'll Never Forget
Dokken - Alone Again
Genesis - Alone Tonight
Saga - Alone again tonight
Black Sabbath - Solitude
Oceans of Slumber - Winter
Opeth - Burden
Emilíana Torrini/Howard Shore - Gollum's Song
(for the "creep" in me :'( . . . )
Nevermore - Insignificant
Kings X - Sooner or Later
The Pineapple Thief - The Final thing on my mind
Riverside - We Got Used To Us
Survivor - Heart's A Lonely Hunter
Led Zeppelin - That's The Way
Asia - The Smile Has Left Your Eyes
Katatonia - Old Heart Falls
Opeth - Sorceress 2
Genesis - Afterglow
Sting - A Thousand Years
Blackfield - Miss U
Queen - Love of my life
Anathema - Can't Let Go
Rainbow - Can't Let You Go
Kevin Gilbert - Until I Get Her Back
Devin Townsend - Thing beyond things
Ark - Missing You
Dream Theater - Space-Dye Vest
Björk - Black Lake
The Platters - Smoke Gets In Your Eyes
Queensrÿche - Dark Reverie
Autumn - Old Fuel
"And so it starts, the endgame, and it may come as no surprise
that this will end in stalemate. In time preceding our demise"
Leprous - Slave
"Make your move, end it all, cloud of dust, caught in storm, you lie there silent"
Fates Warning - The Light And Shade Of Things
"I know it's hard to find, a heart that's there inside, its hard to find your heart now!"
Kansas - Can't Cry Anymore
U2 - With or without you
Toto - I'll Be Over You
Anathema - One Last Goodbye (Hindsight version)
How could I believe it could last :(
Joey Eppard & Chris Gartmann - Shadowplay ( Joey Eppard Live In Concert )
(500) Days of Summer - Tom Quits
Yup, on January 2018, it's how I'm feelin' :'(
Everon - Bridge
Dreamscape - Farewell
Clint Mansell; The Fountain OST - Together We will live Forever
Epilogue . . .
Marco Minnemann - Sandwich
Jeff Daniels - Take Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Kevin Gilbert - Finally Over You
Dream Theater - Take your fingers from my hair (cover)
Fates Warning - The Eleventh Hour (Live in Greece)
Kenji Kawai - Nightstalker; Ghost in the Shell OST
Joey Eppard - Static
Dream Theater - Funeral for a Friend/Love lies Bleeding (cover)
Frida - I Know There's Something Going On (original)
Anneke Van Giersbergen & Danny Cavanagh - Leaves
Joey Eppard - Solo/Puddle (Live)
Magnum - The Word
Kings X - Life going by
Fates Warning - The Road Goes on Forever
Vangough - The Cosmic Bus Stop
Everon - Back in sight
Riverside - The Same River
Emerson Lake & Palmer - Footprints in the Snow
Russell Allen & Jørn Lande - The Great Divide
Porcupine Tree - Love in the Past Tense
Eagles - Wasted Time
Scrooge OST; Albert Finney - You... You/Suzanne Neve - Happiness/You Reprise
After Forever - Lonely
Tal Wilkenfeld - Haunted Love
Aurora - It Happened Quiet
Anathema - Ghosts
Little River Band - Lady
Phil Collins - Against All Odds
The Clientele - I Can't Seem To Make You Mine
Carole King - It's Too Late
Norah Jones - After the Fall
Queensrÿche - I Don't Believe In Love
King's X - Sooner or Later
Steven Wilson - Drive Home
Arch/Matheos - Tethered
Soen - The Words
Anneke Van Giersbergen - My Promise
The Pineapple Thief - Parted Forever
Katatonia - Last Song before the fade
Anathema - Untouchable: Part 2
Renée Fleming - You'll Never Know
Clint Mansell/The Fountain OST- Together We Will Live Forever II (Scenes)
A photograph
The way I used to be
Some half-forgotten stranger
Doesn't mean that much to me
Trick of light
Moving picture
Moments caught in flight
Make the shadows darker
Or the colors shine too bright
Oh the wind can carry
All the voices of the sea
Oh the wind can carry
All the echoes home to me . . ."
- Rush/"In the Available Light"
"Got what I wanted
Now I don't know
I dream we're falling
And there's nothing below
When I woke today
Found you'd run away
I should have warned you
That this house is haunted
There's nothing left to say
Still I watch your shadow play
Hey...
Don't forget my love
Don't forget my love for you
Don't forget my love
Don't forget my love for you
I scale the wall
The engines stall
I dream we're flying
While the sky is falling
Still you're moving in
Under my skin
Guess I should warn you
That this house is haunted
And though I look away
You know I watch your shadow play
Hey...
Don't forget my love
Don't forget my love for you
Don't forget my love
Don't forget my love for you
Whispers on a shelf
Whispers to myself
Whispers all I know
Whispers of a ghost
Saw what I saw
Know what I know
You feed the fires in my
Mountain of snow
When I close my eyes
Feel the red sun rise
Set a fire this morning
To perform our last goodbye
Though so fast I turn away
You know I watch your shadow play
Hey...
Don't forget my love
Don't forget my love for you
Don't forget my love
Don't forget my love for you!
Ooh you don't forget my
No you don't forget my love
For you
Don't forget my love for you!"
- Joey Eppard/"Don't forget my Love"
22