There's nothing to behold since you went away
There once was a fool that said time heals all wounds
But I believe forever is too soon"
- Arch/Matheos /"Tethered"
Prologue:
"We're on our way home
We're on our way home
We're going home
You and I have memories
Longer than the road that stretches
out ahead"
- The Beatles/"Two of Us"
I apologize that the last few entries on my blogs have been very sad and melancholic. I have been going
through cloudy days that I can't seem to escape, and I have lost good people throughout the years, I think
of them often, but the recent loss is on another level. Why am I writing about it, I'm not really sure. This
isn't about me, but it's affected me very painfully, yet I don't want you to feel sorry for me, though I am
very grateful for your thoughts, as I have for you for whatever pain or loss you have (or are) going through.
I'm still here, but this special friend isn't, and he has taken pieces of 3 people with him. I had to tell his
story so people can remember, while I still have him fresh in my memory, he was much more than just a
friend, more than just a pet, an animal.
You will get just a glimpse of what me and my family experienced in his short years (dog years), but the
bond I personally had with him was both from a distance, and for a few years, an everyday relationship.
This loss is a kind I never felt before, it is different, more than human, more than can be comprehended
unless you lived the life and felt this bond of innocence for one who lived only to love, for companionship
and to soften any heart, any gloom, when the shadows creeped in. He made me smile, a lot! and made the
gray pass with unconditional love.
have dealt with the way they love me. I have to accept that things are probably not going to change, yet I'm
the one that keeps changing. Certain things stay the same because I perceived them to be right, or the path
I needed at the time. Many choices have taken me to wrong turns many years later, they may be the roads I
was supposed to take to lead me here for whatever purpose. But they were mine, I had to know what was
best for me no matter all the doubters. But I KNOW my family loves me - and THEY need to know I love
them no matter what. Even though sometimes it was very painful. People may never get it, or never know
what I've been through and say they've been through worse, and probably have.
All I know is what I felt, what I've seen, but there is a point that I can't "react" in a way that goes against
all I know is right, and what I was taught. But sometimes, a man can only take so much. Sometimes I have
to walk, or run away from it. But in this case, I ran too far, I neglected a friend that may have needed me,
who couldn't express that he missed me. And like all choices, I will have to live with this GIGANTIC regret
for the rest of my life.
- With much Love and respect to my Brother and Mother, for all time.
And for the one in this story I am about to tell . . . .
Please remember, when you leave your home, to all those who are important to you, when you hug, show affection, say you love them, and wave goodbye . . . don't forget your pets too :).
of what I feel for this innocent soul.
Again, amber words are active with trivia, videos, etc. And you can click on photos to enlarge. Please review on a desktop, laptop or tablet
to see it on its intended format - thank you.
My new friend . . .
Is the food to give him strength
All he ever needs
Is love and that he knows he'll get"
- Cat Stevens/"I Love my Dog"
e was born with a sad face,
He was the runt of the litter because of his eyes, one ice blue, the other brown.
But he was beautiful :).
He was not my dog, but I fell in love with him the moment he ran up to me.
My Mom and Brother were looking into what kind of dog they wanted, and we hadn't had a dog since our
Cocker Spaniel "Corky" in the late 80's. They decided on a Pembroke Welsh Corgi, as my Mom loved the "Queens" brood that graced the court and home. So to their home came "Chesterfield", but they thought
to shorten it to "Chester" as it was easier to call to him, and for him to understand.
When Chester was a puppy, when he would get up in the morning, and we'd take him out to pee, he'd give
off this LOUD "rooOOOOOOOOOooooo!" as if he were a wolf, as he stretched! He had such a great unique
personality. That howl would go away as he matured.
It was when I hit hard times yet again, that I had to stay at their home, it was a mixed blessing but what got
me through it all was Chester. All he wanted to do was play, and play hard! As he got older, he was soo
damn fast! We would play "soccer" in the backyard, I would kick it pretty hard (enough where it wouldn't go over the walls to the neighbors yards on either side) and he was off like a rocket, the "Sheep Herder" in him would corral the ball with his body right before hitting the wall :D. He was a GREAT goalie! And no
matter how much I faked the ball back and forth, he'd grab at it with his teeth, or just jump up, and put his paws on it so I couldn't move! He was so smart, and ready for more.
We would play Tag, and again, those herding instincts and short legs that gave him the ability to make
short abrupt turns, he was lightening quick, as I fell on the grass trying to tap him. He'd "growl" as if
being annoyed that he couldn't quite get me on my heels, but sure enough, most of the time he was too
quick :D.
But it's quite common that Corgi's have problems with their legs, since they like to run, and bend them in
odd positions when they make their sharp abrupt turns. Chester would pull a muscle in his early puberty, and would need surgery. But he was still quick, but would have a limp for life, after running a bit too much.
He would also have an odd "spasm" on one leg, as if hitting an odd nerve, which I likened to having
muscle spasms myself occasionally. But man, did he love to run! So came the scolding from my younger
brother about not letting him run for too long.
wondering what it was I was saying, or what I was listening to on this laptop . . . I'd call him "Funny Face".
I had many nicknames for him, if I didn't say it outloud; "Bowie" because of the 2 colored eyes. When
describing him to people, or saying hello to him in the morning, with a very posh/dignified English officer
voice, I'd say . . . . "Chester-field of the British Em-pire"! I also called him "Bolt" because of the lightening bolt white stripe that went up from his snout to the back of his head.
I'd sit with him in the grass, and reach for a paw and say "Big paws, Big paws", he didn't like that as much.
But he was good about high fives :). He loved being scratched on top of his fluffy butt. But loved my
shoulder rubs, he could take that forever, with that HUGE smile, and eyes closed in complete bliss :).
His sad face though was a major weakness, and I'd ask; "Whats wrong funny face"? As he tilted his head,
he'd prance up to the fridge and bark! With various growls ("Wof wof"), as if trying to talk. I'd ask; "Do you
want some ice!?", excitedly he'd stand and "talk", poised for me to give him his favorite treat! He'd grab a
piece of ice from the ice maker, gently from my hand, take it to the den floor, lay flat on his belly, holding
it with one paw and start to munch, sometimes we'd laugh at the LOUD crunching sounds.
I cleaned-up after him in the yard with no problems, fed him when I had to, checked-up on him, let him
lay on my lap until he was older (which he LOVED doing with my mom when watching TV), I guess he grew
out of that with me and Mom. I didn't get to give him bath's, I guess Mom took care of that when I was on a
job. He never really made any messes, he was a very good boy. Always calm and quiet, always letting us
know when he had to relieve himself, he was well behaved. Though he had a pitch to his "bark" that would
drill into the middle of my head :P. That was kind-of annoying.
Mom would walk him through the neighborhood for just 2 or 3 blocks, it seemed he sensed that's as far as he wanted to go, and turn back home. Always excited to go for walkies, and meet some of the kids playing.
Again, don't know why I didn't take him for walks, I don't know what I thinking (I think I never felt it was
my home, a town I didn't want to live in. Unfortunately that had nothing to do with Chester). He'd drink his water or ask for a piece of ice, lie flat on his belly, all paws out, and eventually crash for a nap.
When he'd sit, he tucked his injured leg in, enjoying the sun or a breeze. He was such a handsome dog.
Speaking with sad eyes
Both of us knowing
Through the door lies the end of your days
My heart was breaking
Abandoned, cold and shaking
There's no mistaking
My shadow will follow me home
Follow me home, you're not alone
Tomorrow is unknown for all who roam
From the dark to the light
Once again let hope take flight
Believes in me, trust in me
Follow me home"
- Arch/Matheos
Corgi's are interesting to say the least, they have odd habits, as you can read here:
https://www.hillspet.com/dog-care/dog-breeds/welsh-corgi-pembroke
One of the weirdest behaviors is sniffing around the grass, with their snouts deep within the grass (I called it; "Sniffing for Truffles" :P), then, as Chester would often do, roll his head in that spot, and then his
whole body with his little legs in the air. And for awhile it was a mystery, until I found this:
https://www.petmd.com/dog/training/why-does-my-dog-roll-grass
Though the particular article I read talked about searching for worms and rubbing themselves in it!
Apparently its their "perfume", when Chester was a Puppy, he would find worms and eat them (which is
not good), but from birth on, would roll around on where he found them. Which is a Wolf trait.
More stuff: https://youtu.be/C0MJ2LHqbZ4
More: https://youtu.be/sE5m5t3PnKw
And: https://youtu.be/sjydlB7bFQE (note: I don't see very many Corgi owners, but...)
I love meeting pets on my job, sometimes when the dog is barking too much, I ask the owner if it would help if I met them, and 98% of the time that's all it takes. Most of the time it seems they just want to meet the stranger with the new smells, and PLAY with them. And I gather most people who work in strangers
homes keep to themselves for whatever reasons. Not me, I'd often surprise owners that many pets take to
me when they say that they are shy, or don't take too kindly to strangers :). I've met all sizes of dogs
(seriously!), cats and other critters as well. Some dogs are too angry to meet and greet because they are
being very protective of their family, and that's a good thing.
I have NEVER, so far, worked in the house of a Corgi owner (which is why I always ask owners of the
barking dog in the bathroom, bedroom, or garage what kind of dog is it? But Corgi's have a distinct bark).
So if I see a Corgi taking a walk with their owner, I sometimes say hello and strike up a conversation. Once I said hello to a neighbor from a job, across the street, the Corgi perked up his ears and came running to me! I said; "Wow! I made a new friend!". They are super smart and very affectionate.
So when you watch those videos above, you may understand why I love Chester so much :).
Air he like to fly." Dog and butterfly
Below (he) had to try. (He) roll back down
To the warm soft ground laughing
(He) don't know why, (he) don't know why
Dog and butterfly"
- Heart/"Dog and Butterfly"
knowing how to get out of my situation, I'd simply take Chester out with me to the backyard, even at 2am, when I was supposed to let him sleep in his kennel in the living room as I watched TV - We'd sneak-out to
look at the stars quietly, I'd say my prayers with him on my lap. It broke my heart that sooner or later, I would have to leave him behind to find my "escape" and independence again.
I always made sure that I'd say goodbye to him, as I would leave for work or outings, just to know he heard me say it. I wanted him to know he was my special friend, that I loved him unconditionally. He didn't see my faults and mistakes, my odd habits, weird nature, the things people didn't understand about me. All he cared about was the same love I gave him, he was innocent of the world, just a dog with affection for his family. But I let him get away with a lot more than my brother and mom. I wanted to let him be a dog.
There were times that my Mom, especially my younger Brother, just disciplined him too much, it was
pointless. He would still beg for whatever we were eating, or follow us like a shadow just to be part of what we were doing (all 4 of us in the kitchen though got on everyone's nerves, me being there didn't help).
All I could do is search and pray for a way out to save my sanity and their space, but with a sorrow that I'd have to leave Chester behind to find my fortune.
When that time came, I gave a huge hug to him, telling him to watch over my Mom and Brother, and he'd
watch me go as if I was just taking off for a few minutes. What does a dog feel when you are gone for much
longer? What was he feeling after I was gone? If I lingered on this I could never leave, and I couldn't stay,
and I overstayed my welcome. We think these "pets" will live forever as we get on with life. We'll see them
again for visits and special occasions. He wasn't neglected, he was properly fed (no junk food, only on rare
occasions) and he had a loving home.
The New Kid in town . . .
hoping to get one in a different color, so they brought home another, this time female, and with black and
grey here and there, and being another runt of the litter as she had the rare "long" hair. But we would also
find out she had a "personality". She was much more rambunctious than Chester, "Sophie" was super
curious and going through everything, while Chester trying to get to know this cute furball. Sophie was
very mischievous, but giving-in to Chesters demeanor, and often nap lopped over Chester's body. As she
matured she lost all the blacks and greys and was the same color as Chester.
Though, sadly, Sophie didn't respect Chester's space. The older she got, the more annoying she was to him
as I would soon call her "The Bipolar Dog". When my Mom would take her on a few local errands not far
from home, she would poke her head out of the car window, and people would point at her because of that
wide gorgeous smile of hers. But when people would notice it, up close with me around, I'd say; "That's not a smile of how happy I am, that's a smile of; 'I'M CRAAAAZY!!!" :P She loved to flip over on her back, paws out,
tongue sticking out and looking at us to say; "Rub my pink belly". And I'd grab her little paws, kiss them and say; "Pink paws, pink paws" :).
She drove poor Chester crazy (and Mom and Brother), she would snip at his heels and grab his ears with her teeth, but he would soon "submit" her, by taking his neck around her neck/upper body and force her
down, with her belly and paws sticking up, submitting to her older brother. Sophie has the same "howl" when she wakes up to go outside as she stretches, she hasn't lost it. But she has a rebellious streak as she grabs at the grass, or finds its roots, as Mom or Brother barked; "No! Bad Dog!" she'd grab the grass or
green grass roots in defiance! Run to a far area of the yard, and start munching on a root, holding it with her paws, lying on her belly as you hear; "crunch crunch crunch", it made me crack-up. Her daily "snack" that keeps her regular. When told "NO!" about the grass (especially when she was younger), she would run around the yard in a wide circle a hundred miles an hour, huffing and puffing, in defiance! And then come to a complete stop as if to say; "Ha! You can't catch me! Try me!" - what a goof!
When lapping up water from her bowl, she had a slight overbite, so she would put her canines on the rim
of the bowl (over the bowl, not from the edge :D), and lap up the water, she was so weird :p. Both Chester and Sophie LOVED drinking water from the hose! Sophie would bark and crazily run back and forth, and Chester, excited would endlessly gulp down the water! Sometimes too much and spit some out gagging like a cat having a hairball :/. So I had to ease up on the water intake, crazy dogs. But the older they got, Sophie
would go for the water 1st, Chester sheepishly would turn around (poor guy), so I made sure HE would
drink first. Just like letting him go outside first to have a bit more respect as the Alpha, as I held Sophie's
leesh, and said with a snap of my finger; "Sit! - Stay!", which was the one of few commands she obeyed,
and then made the motion for her to go. She and Chester were the only ones that snapped-to when I
"snapped" my finger.
But since a pup, she grabs anything and starts eating it. Sadly, after noticing she wasn't eating, and hardly any stool, she was taken to the vet as they noticed her intestines were like an accordian (so they think it was a piece of yarn that my mom used to crochet), so they had to remove a chunk of intestine :(.
Since then, she is not the usual girth of a regular Corgi, so she is quite skinny, but eats very healthy, and
still lightening quick, even as she gets older. Once, my Mom left her glasses on top of her kennel on a
towel. Well she smelled it, moved the towel, and we guess the glasses fell into the kennel, she ATE one lens :/. Apparently she passed it because there were no problems after, to our great relief.
She also went from hot to cold, she at times was jealous of affections for Chester, and she would lashout at
him for entering her space. So Chester, getting older, would take the long way around to be with my Mom
or me. Though Sophie not dare act that way around my brother! There were times that she would get so
angry at Chester, or vicious fights, that I would LOUDLY, abruptly and assertively bark "SO-PHIE!", it'd
scare the daylights of her and she'd immediately turn away, squat down as if to say; "...okay".
Carrots soon became their favorite treat, it was very cute to hear them munch, but Sophie also took to Ice,
but she liked hers "crushed" :D, so I'd give her a handful, she would take a few chucks in her teeth, take
them to a farther spot, squat down on her belly, and with her paws munch on her cold treat.
. . . As Chester quickly munched on the crescent cubes with huge crunches :).
Sigh, yet again . . .
I had to move back again, it amazes me that I had to make that choice, to their disappointment even more-
so. This would be the worst situation, always trying to look for a way out, even went through a counselor to
try to get some answers, to come to some mutual understanding. I just wanted a family that was closer (and to notice I cleaned up after myself, did chores and bought my own food etc.). They just wanted me
out, and there was always too much tension in the air for everyone, including the dogs.
All I had was Chester, and a new friend Sophie when she wasn't being wacky. But Chester was always sweet
and quiet with me. He was the trusted friend who didn't judge, there by my side keeping me sane, bringing
me back to calm.
The "discipline"of him, in my opinion, was going too far and useless. There are traits that are just "dogs
being dogs" and you have to let them be dogs, but lots of yelling in the kitchen - too many cooks in the
kitchen, and I already knew I was one too many, the odd man out, except to Funny Face. I'd save him with a simple sit down and give him affection when the room tension was soo thick you could cut it with the back of a knife.
The dogs were a reflection of me, 2 people telling them 2 different things at the same time, frustrated and confused ("what did I do now"?). I felt that intensity and vitriol behind it, I felt what the dogs felt and how they behaved, as they went back and forth in confusion, more-so with Chester, he didn't know if to stand, sit, or runaway. Confused, he just had that unconditional smile no one noticed, he just wanted to give love, he just wanted to be loved.
- All a reflection, all that I wanted, and what I wanted to runaway from.
What's beneath the pain you're feeling
Don't abandon me
Or think you can't be saved
I walk beside you
Wherever you are
Whatever it takes
No matter how far
Through all the may come
And all that may go
I walk beside you
I walk beside you"
- Dream Theater/"I walk beside you"
would give such a vicious look at her that would abruptly scare her! All the sudden Chester would have a face of a Wolf! And Sophie would run away, as if it was Chester's last straw. But it was obvious that he was
getting older.
One day, my Mom came-in hysterical, with Chester on a leesh (it was too difficult to take Chester and
Sophie at the same time); she said that a woman with a BIG dog attacked them, and Chester got into a big
fight, and Chester was bleeding. But she was a bit mixed-up, and she said she was going back out to look
for them (why, we had no idea). Me and my brother checked Chester out, and where there was blood on his
fur, it wasn't much but it may be coming from a bite.
We couldn't find any broken skin . . . . we then realized that Chester was fine, its wasn't his blood, but it
was blood from the big dog! Little Chester did his job defending mom from the big bad wolf! :D
Though there were also moments that he wasn't so brave . . .
Chester didn't like loud abrupt noises, but like every other dog, fireworks would freak him out, though not
hysterically, but he would have an intense troubled look on his face. When the fireworks came (before, and
leading up to the 4th of July and New Years Eve), he would quietly hide away in the downstairs restroom,
it was right under the window. I'd either sit with him, or if I was upstairs, I'd come down to check on him, and I'd sit with him for awhile till it stopped. The older he got, for months after, would not go on walks
with my Mom. And eventually, not at all. So his only exercise was running like crazy playing with each of us, and Sophie.
Because you don't know what it means to me
Love of my life, don't leave me
You've stolen my love, and now desert me"
- Queen/"Love of my Life"
I can distinctly remember that I gave a final goodbye to Sophie, as she was in her Kennel, and Chester was out (as he was the more responsible one), and grabbed his face and gave him a HUGE hug, and said with tears in my eyes; "Take care of Mom and Brother, and your sister okay?" That day was filled with tension, maybe a bit of anger from me, and a relief from my mom - it felt like the anger would burn endlessly, and
I'd never see them again in somekind of stupid defiance. I could see Sophie knew something in her quiet, but Chester, ever hopeful and innocent, yet again thinking I'd be right back.
I know nothing much of dog behavior, but I understand they have incredible memory. But what about
sadness, longing, hope? Love is automatic, even to those that hurt them, but they can react to that pain,
and find it hard to trust another human in their life, a stranger that they are weary that they may hurt
them too :(. I have seen videos of awful things done to animals, or mindless neglect. People have been
monsters to humans, but these poor creatures are defenseless, even though they only want to love and be loved. I live in a neighborhood, where at times, I can hear dogs being neglected, and they beg, bark, cry
endlessly. There are videos that are agonizing to watch, but many have happy endings, from the kindness
of strangers, vets doing incredible life saving surgery, to finding new forever loving homes and a new life,
leaving the horror behind and there is a glimmer of hope for humanity and animal alike.
Movies try to show what a dog may be conscious of, but what are the realities from fantasy that are meant
to sooth us in our grieving? What has Chester been going through when I am away? Do I dare think, with risk of being arrogant enough to think of how our friendship was unique, and somehow he called out to
me daily, and I couldn't sense it to come home and say hello?
Ironically, seeing these photos, they are the opposite of what I described before I left.
Maybe Chester knew something would be different :(.
rage, abrupt emotions, and tried to keep my mouth shut while walking on eggs. Sometimes to my surprise there was great conversation and peace. But other times we just couldn't let things go, we were all too
stubborn and self-righteous. Or they dwelled too much on the negative, instead of being happy for
anything positive and letting it be. It prevented us from forgiveness and letting go.
I was always on-guard, always feeling defensive, on the ropes, and as per usual, the one that always
apologized. It's not conducive for "visits" with family, and my visits with Chester had to suffer for it.
Chester getting older, me getting onryer, seeing how people treat each other, as I felt I was becoming an
expert at personalities (maybe a curse), and humans are odd, and sooner or later show their true colors.
I wasn't like this when I was younger, I was idealistic, but people can be cruel when you are vulnerable and
they want you to be like what you were before, because you were docile, you gave in, you didn't stand up for yourself and it was easier to take advantage of you. But I threw those type of "friends" away. But I didn't want my immediate family to look at me that way either. Yeah, I can be stupid, a fool, and people like to
take advantage of that (even though, a few seconds later, I can see what I'd done, but how people love to
bring you down), it empowers their ego. The older I get, I take it, shut my mouth and let it go, let them
believe they have control and think they are smarter. Sooner or later you see that they aren't superior after all. But I still hold on to this belief that there are exceptional people out there.
But to have also lived with "personalities" in this home I currently reside, that were threatening, annoying,
disgusting and drove me to the brink, where having a simple modicum of respect and dignity to their host and cleaning up after themselves as a "guest" was not even shown, to the homeowner for his good graces, It makes you despise, judge and see where humanity fails (and in myself). . . .
But not my Chester, of all I have been through, he was the purveyor of innocence. Like someone's child, it
brings out the best of their parents (so we hope). I longed to see him everyday for that affection and see his
happiness again :).
When I visited Chester, it was a relief of sorts from all the madness and stress. And the 1st thing he wanted to do is play, with a excited look on his face, the widest smile, and a gesture of; "You're home! Come on!
Lets go to the backyard and Play! Come on come on!" :D.
All pain subsided, it was me, Chester, and Sophie. Everything else crumbled away with each visit, if it was
the holidays (where my Father would visit before he died a year later, getting to know Chester when he was still a pup) or random visits. Sadly, many months would go by from whatever blow-up between me and
mom.
But the happiness of Chester seeing me, Sophie too, but with Chester it was always a special visit that made
me soo happy to see him. I think, him too.
I almost forgot! Chester and Sophie have a thing for avocados :p! Mom and brother planted an avocado tree
many years ago, but it yielded little fruit, and continued trying different ways to make it work. But the best
they could come up with were very small, but sweet avocados.
Somewhere in recent years, Sophie, who eats anything, started eating the fruit when they fell to the
ground. Not just the skin and the innards, but the SEED too! I guess Chester wondered about them as well,
which became the Corgis newest treat (when "nature" decided to give it). So I got to see this firsthand, as
the little tree began to yield more, Sophie would be found sniffing around the roots of the tree, Chester
also, but Sophie would actually "wait" under it! Sitting down patiently, and looking up :). As if to will the
fruit to fall. Mom would yell out "Nooooo!" as they got the few that fell before she could get to them for
our own selfish purposes :p. Either standing, hurriedly munching, or relaxing under the tree to enjoy their
yummy treat. I thought it was hilarious, true Californians.
They were soo funny and adorable at times, but for sure Chester was the one who was gentle, as Sophie
would growl at him grabbing the last avocado. Poor guy.
I've got a friend, I'm turning to
Stay, beside me now
Though night and day, might slip away
Always with you, there I will be
Where you might go, I'll be there too
I have in you, such a good friend
I have in you, such a good friend"
- Eric Johnson/"Friends"
Chester (and Sophie) wasn't allowed to go upstairs, but occasionally, if the gate (he was terrified of that thing! especially when it fell and made a bang on the stone floor) that blocked the stairs fell flat, or their
was a gap to the side, he would run to my brothers room. He would say; "Hey! What are you doing here!", but
soon would melt to; "You being a bad dog? What are you doing up here?" as he rubbed his face and the
frustration would turn to baby talk, as he let him sit with him while watching TV :).
My brother has a side of him that is very compassionate, soft and warm. It's why I love him soo much,
when he is not a grumpy old man, like our late-father. He has all this love, but doesn't know where to put
it :(.
At times, Chester was able to quell that hardened heart, I saw it when they played, when he came home from work to greet him. The best of what my brother was, came out because of Chester :').
In 2018, there was a terrible fight from a quick visit after a job that was in town. It was the worst fight I
ever gotten into with my Mom. We both said TERRIBLE things which I'm sure my Mom has forgotten the details. I unfortunately remember every last word said by her, and by me - both of us being stubborn and stupid (stupid is a word that we were never supposed to say to each other, but she forgets how many times she's used it. I would NEVER say that word toward her, especially to her face). But what hurts today more than anything . . .
The 1st thing I heard in that visit, the dogs barking. They knew it was me, and they were excited I had come
home. Sophie was in her kennel resting, now barking excitedly, but Chester as always greeted me 1st with my mom at the door, and then running toward the sliding glass door to the backyard with a giant smile and
excitement; "Lets Play! Come on lets go!".
But I had to talk with my mom 1st (1st regret). It went from warm to cold in a split second, then cold to
blazing from an understanding conversation, to just making a simple "suggestion", it set her off, then set
me off . . . . the 2nd regret, it all blew up. The visit was over and I made my 3rd regret; not saying goodbye
to my friend Chester, not even looking back. Until the thoughts crept-in heading home with my friend/co-
worker, the surge of regret, the things I shouldn't have said, the things I should have said, and leaving him
behind without a pet, a back rub, a moment of play, to be there for him as he was for me :(.
How stupid of me, why did I do that, why did I not say goodbye to him? Stupid, soo damn stupid.
Almost a year would pass.
In this house over Thanksgiving weekend in 2018 was harrowing for my roommate that was sick, and I
had to be his caregiver when he finally came home. Lots of prayers and miraculous things happened. But
through days of work, I longed to visit Chester. But how could I with what transpired with my mom, I
didn't want my mom to think I was just visiting Chester (Ugh, that's me! The one that has to take
the high road, always the one to apologize for nothing, always the black sheep of the family, but Chester
corralled me in when I was with him, even in my thoughts). Chester had an innocence, gentleness, an
unconditional love to give. Uncorrupted with jealousy, malice, bitterness or anger for being away for soo
long. Though, he may have longed for a visit that may have seemed endless for him. And if that is true,
then I denied him my return to him. How could I do that to him :(.
I dreamed of you
Then I wake
Tell me what could I do?
I had to let you go
To the setting sun
I had to let you go
And find a way back home!"
- Anathema/"Untouchable Part I"
May 22, 2018
my daily prayers as were my family, friends, loved ones, and those I have missed. Saying prayers often in
the wee-hours, under starry skies and amazing sights of meteorites across the sky. I had made sure a few
times that my Mom should let me know if the Corgi's were ever to get sick, that she should reach out to me.
It had been, not quite a year, and I have been under dark clouds, my life seemingly stagnant, not moving
forward and progressing. Not drawing, not even writing much. I have seen a world grow darker and colder,
a few glimpses of hope, but anger and vitriol for each other has grown for stupid differences of opinion
and humanity becomes nuts. I see us losing ourselves to madness, and many times embracing it.
I longed to see my friend and I wanted to make sure I play 1st, sit with my friend in the grass and take a
breather from a life, let go of the dark clouds that have gathered often, cleansing all with a few rains here
and there. And a winter lingering on a bit to save me from the SoCal heat, and all the green in this town I
desperately wanted to leave behind, that will eventually burn up and turn an ugly brown in a month or 2.
Another gloomy lazy day, no work. Listening to music or news on YOUtube keeping my mind occupied. It
was after taking a break, coming back to my computer and checking emails when I saw an email from my
Mom 28 minutes before, it was around 9pm. I could see the 1st few words before clicking on it, and it
mentioned Chester . . . my heart sank.
Then, the destruction. My world collapsed, my mind raced to his face, his excitement to see me, his want
of play, those ice blue and brown eyes wide and giving, all time rushed into a moment of pure bliss and a
happiness I have forgotten with lost love, days of satisfaction of a creative life that were fleeting, but
Chester made the clouds blow away. To see him and Sophie enjoying the Santa Ana winds as I do. Their fur
in small oceans waving in the breeze, Sophie sleeping in the grass, and Chester putting his face toward the
wind. With that great big smile, taking it all in, in his silence.
All this was suddenly gone. As I read on, he wasn't himself the previous weeks. He was apparently
coughing a lot, and his leg "spasm" was more severe (maybe, as I came to think on it, he was having a
tough time keeping himself up on all fours?), so both Mom and Brother took him to the vet, and through
examination, it seemed he had spots on his lungs (What??? He doesn't smoke, and doesn't drink alcohol! Is he a closet substance abuser? What the hell?), so they gave him shots and medicines to take.
A week later, on May 22, he wouldn't eat, she noticed he was very tired (movie scenes immediately entered
my mind), said soft spoken words, and would make plans to take him to the vet again. As she got ready and
came downstairs, she saw him lying on the cool stone floor.
. . . she then realized he had slipped away.
I can only imagine the pain that I don't want to imagine, loss and grief of my mother. And what my brother must've felt when he had to come home after the phone call, see his lifeless body that was soo energetic the weeks before, and his entire life, and how YOUNG he looked for a "12 year old" dog. And now having to lift him up, take courage, to cut out the pain to be strong for our Mom, and for himself, but I know there
were and will be moments of complete pain and loss to never hearing him bark, or greet him at the door
coming home from work. I see it, clear as I'm writing these words. I see those tired eyes.
. . . I lost it.
I died. I came apart, life, the walls, my anger or disappointment in myself fell away as if the ground I stood
gave way and I was left in a void for my sins. I just wept endlessly. Then I tortured myself.
I betrayed my friend being away, and I didn't say goodbye. Again, all the moments dogs remember, and I
may be a fool, arrogant, selfish, crazy, all the above - I began to wonder through this anguish; did he long
for me?
Did he miss me, the unconditional love and attention that I personally gave him? Did he die of cancer or a
broken heart? :'( He hung on as long as he could, but I wasn't there for him, yet he waited for me. I didn't
save his broken heart by hearing that fateful knock at the door, to resurrect his ailing soul to greet me with
that unconditional bond we had. I didn't get to pray to my God to save his life when he was ailing, to
intensely pray to save my friends life! So that he could play with my brother, greet my Mom and keep her company, to play with Sophie. I didn't take him to the vet when he was sick, I didn't discipline him as I
should have, I didn't take him to a park, drive him in a car, take him for a walk, give him a bath . . .
But I played with him, sat with him, whispered in his ear, talked with him, fed him, cleaned up after him,
saw him smile when I walked in the door for a visit, from work, sat with him as I watched TV, as he rested on my feet when I worked on a freelance gig, as I heard music that he seemed to enjoy with me, I watched him fade to sleep watching the fire on a cold winter evening, I saved him from nightmares and pet him and said "shhh, I'm here, its okay", I was there for those funny faces, funny moments, when he layed with
Sophie, without anger or fear, I was with him when he heard fireworks to comfort him to know he was safe and he wasn't alone! He sat with me under a starry sky, as he lay with me quietly.
He was my friend that had no reason to cry, he was my solace, I was his rock and protector, he was my
guardian from the darkness, I was his companion, and trusted friend.
. . . and I let him down by being soo far away, and not putting aside differences to keep him company.
I continued the torture throughout the evening.
Wave after wave, angry at myself, crying in agony, will never hold him and smell him, and seeing that
smile. I saw him, his lifeless body on the stone floor like a scene from a movie, the last thoughts that began
to fade, "Where is Daniel, where is Mom, where is my friend Tony, why has he been gone for soo long? I'm
tired, I can't wait any longer - I hope I will see you all again" . . . . . .
I betrayed him, another regret I can't erase. If I was down before, this destroyed what was left. All is gone,
let people destroy each other, me and my friend Chester have no place in this world.
I have no idea what to do, if only by osmosis I will continue to see what's over the hill. I lost love, and now
my friend, from the pain of loss to emptiness. It feels like time has stopped. With broken promises, I left
him broken hearted, it left me broken.
I tried to get every moment she lived with him on that last day. I'd breakdown, it set her off as she asked
me to stop. But I told her we "needed" to feel this grief. But, as many others are saying I'm sure, except
those who know this treasure that seeped through hands like sand, a love that lingers that will last
infinitely - She said; (paraphrasing) "But remember, he was just an animal, it was going to happen, just like
me when its time...".
But I interrupted (I tried to put the words together that would make sense, but I was a mess); "But mom, we are human, we have a will to keep going. I lived with a man that many gave up on and thought he was going to die, with my prayers and the help of his friend, he still, after all the pain he endured, had a will to live! And today he is riding his motorcycle (at 73)! - But a dog, Chester. I have no idea what he was feeling, he can't tell us what is hurting him, he is helpless and depends on us. Mom, he was not just a dog, we deeply loved him, he became a part of us, and we NEED to feel this grief!". As she begged me to stop, we both wept.
I had to ask if Sophie reacted to him? From what I gather she was in her kennel, since it was early morning.
I would imagine that she sensed something was wrong, maybe my Mom has forgotten about her barks, or
just didn't notice. Sophie always "sensed" things (Ghosts? things about the house, passers by? Whatever it
was, she was always alerted to something, that was always a mystery to us) and barked toward things WE
couldn't see. I just can't help to think she was sad. That she knew he was gone . . .
Again . . . I can't help to see Chester, lying there in his silence.
"...Fearless warrior
And eyes of the blind
Guardian and protector
In fields of war you leave no man behind
You say animals, only animals!
They are more than that to me
You say animals, only animals!
But they are more than that to me!"
- Arch/Matheos
Epilogue:
Goodbye my guardian . . .
"I will wish upon a star
I believe in you
And if my will has strayed afar
I remembered you
Will you remember me
I'm the man you sentenced
Penance Unabsolved
Answer me
Save my will
Have you forgotten me"
- Fates Warning/"Guardian"
don't know how it will ever be the same. But now Sophie is alone, so I'll have to see her.
I don't think this particular grief is going away easily. I have never felt like this before.
But you will be with me, because my brain needs you by my side, for the neglect I gave to you, for letting you down, and to fill the guilt with your presence. You may visit me in my sleep, or I see you turn a corner.
To be living with a past moment in a flash of light, when the wind blows, when I hear fireworks . . .
I must believe that you are with my Father, as he rides Magnus, and our Cocker Spaniel Corky running by his side, your new friends, running on endless rolling hills of tall grass. A movie rolling in my head because it's the only thing keeping me from completely falling apart, and you wait by a lone tree, waiting for me, as long as it takes when I see you again, and be with you for an eternity, to relieve this pain, regrets, and this
seemingly endless sorrow.
So I continue to say prayers under stars and add your name to the loss of others, and I hope that a streak
across the sky is your added voice to my heart (which I have now seen numerous times when I call to you). A love that is transcendent, through space and time, the infinite and beyond any understanding that words can never be said. But, I tried the best I could for it to reach your ears.
Goodbye my friend, my best of friends, forgive me for not being there when you needed me the most. But I
will come to you one day, and I will give you all the time you need from me.
- Yours, forever, unconditionally.
"In the palm of my hand
Melting into my heart
You changed my life
Took my darkness away
And all that you were
Is now all that I am
You kindred spirit
Alone again
Blue sky, spirits
In that moment we believed
Forever would never die
Sad eyes, tired eyes
It's never easy to say goodbye."
- Arch/Matheos /"Kindred Spirits"
"I feel you
Outside at the edge of my life
I see you
Walk by at the edge of my sight
~
I had to let you go
To the setting sun
I had to let you go
And find a way back home."
- Anathema/"Untouchable Part 2"
| https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2DU3TBNutEfVxMi-MfZ849zVhpnz-2Ko |
~ A playlist as best to describe what you mean to me ~
The words in these songs may not be exactly what they were meant for
in my relationship,
- Be at peace all, may these songs soothe your loss of little friends. And for you Chester, let the music come find you, as well as my eternal love.
Dark wherein my friend is laid
We welcome you, we welcome you
The world of chaos far away
As the crowd of mourners said
"Tragedy is nothing new"
... Dark as night"
- Steve Hackett/"Dark as Night"
Opeth - Prologue
As the clouds and rain have devoured my mind and heart
A Dog's Purpose; Ethan says goodbye to Bailey
A film that captures what we ache and miss in our precious friends
Rachel Portman; A Dogs Life OST - Ethan Apologizes
Heart - Dog and Butterfly
The 2nd song that came to my mind
Arch/Matheos - Tethered
As we tethered Chester for walks, he led us to endless love and friendship
The Beatles - Two Of Us
Sometimes it felt like just us, it's all we needed to save each other
Dream Theater - I Walk Beside You
No matter where, and how far, wherever we go
...that's what you were for me
Eric Johnson - Friends
Eternally
A Dog's Purpose; "You Know What I'm Thinking"?
Norah Jones - Man Of The Hour
Well, you and Sophie are the only ones that seem to want to have a relationship ;)
Gentle Giant - Dog's Life
Man's best friend, he was certainly mine
Yusuf Islam / Cat Stevens - I love my dog (2016 version)
Never knew anything about this song until I ran into by accident
Jordan Schneider - Chasing Butterflies (Song for my dog )
Yet another song I ran into and from a person that understands the sudden loss
Jan A.P. Kaczmarek; Hachiko A Dog's Story OST - Goodbye (extended)
All the emotions, every thought, every heartbreak, and all the great times we had
Anathema - Untouchable / Part 1
I think of the one I loved when I hear this, but now for my friend as well
Opeth - Hope Leaves
One of the last songs I added, it might as well be about Chester too
Steve Hackett - Dark as the Grave
A haunting last addition, which I'm sure now will not be the last
Jim Matheos - Remembering Rain
Again, for the gloom and rain, and to remember my friend
Arch/Matheos - Kindred Spirits
This song came right on time before my loss, all the moods, memories and passion
A Dog's Purpose; "Bye Ethan" :(
Queen - Love of my life
For the other love of my life :')
Maybe you to me, and me to you
A Dog's Purpose; As The Years Went By
Opeth - Requiem
A short gorgeous piece that I had to add to the playlist
Fates Warning - Guardian
For the stalwart warrior, protector, and my Guardian, that I hope will watch over me until I can be with you
Jan A.P. Kaczmarek; Hachiko A Dog's Story OST - Hachi, Parker And Cate & Memories
Heart wrenching movie and story, and a beautiful soundtrack
Anathema - Beginning and the End
Somewhere inside these memories is also an escape to find you and me
Moody Blues - Forever Autumn
Like a leaf on the breeze you blew away :(
Black Sabbath - Over and Over
With every wave, over and over, and over again
After Forever - Cry With A Smile
We will meet again someday...
Jan A.P. Kaczmarek; Hachiko A Dog's Story OST - Under The Fence
Finding the way back home
Dionne Warwick - What The World Needs Now
An old favorite when I was a child
One of the 1st on the list to add, as I pray that we can love again, as we do our pets
Dream Theater - The Answer Lies Within
Don't let a day go by, in doubt, The answer lies within
James Horner; Brainstorm OST -Final Playback/End Title
When I remembered this piece, from my favorite soundtrack, it made me think of Chester's last moments
And to be rushed through time and space to where he is now, with hopes he is running through endless grass on rolling plains. Till that day we meet again,
Edie Brickell & New Bohemians - Ghost of a dog
A song I almost forgot, from an old favorite album
Anathema - Untouchable: Part 2
I had to let you go, to find your way back home :'(
Fates Warning - the Lighthouse
To bring us home
Opeth - Weakness
miss you...
Then you'll know that the thunder only crashes awhile
And the storm clouds will pass soon
Then you'll see that the lighthouse waits for you
The lighthouse waits..."
- Fates Warning/"The Lighthouse"
As the clouds gathered yet again
A premonition came that I did not see
From fate, from God, to warn me of the storm
A sorrow I have not known
I've lost my way through this journey
Many roads yet not a step forward
And through these days
I've missed this special friend
Uncorrupted by the world
All the days and nights you filled me with your smile
Unconditional you gave your love
And without asking, I gave you all I had in return
On my mind rain or shine
Through the heat of summer
Autumn's breeze
And Winter's chill, to see you by the fire again
Then spring came, but with it rain
Gloom devoured all and winter hung on, to the last
Each day as leaves fell
Falling one by one
Too many too long
With a sudden storm that was not outside
A bolt that pierced my heart like a sword sheathed into my soul
An arrow of flame
With a slow removal in agony
The shards remain
Deep is this pain
That lingers endlessly
Your innocent life was taken
By disease, or was it a broken heart
Now this loss, this grieving
has taken me apart
A fault that I consume myself
A regret
To collapse into the void
To flood this room in tears and drown in them
For the forest to envelope me into the ground and leave me
This turmoil
Like a hammer to anvil
Pounding the earth
Screaming why
Raging in this misery
You are gone for eternity
I betrayed your patients
You waited for me
I took too long in my grief, stubborn I cursed this friendship
from neglect
You still waited for me
For selfishness, and not forgiveness
of someone else
You still waited
Too long
Everyday I thought of you and did nothing
Your eyes, tired eyes could not hold on
For my return to bring back that sunshine
You swept the clouds away
Excited, you'd turn for me to follow
But I left this seared in my mind
I left you there without saying goodbye
I left with malice that was not of your making
Yet left you there forsaken
Innocent and I proven guilty
Incarcerated to see what I could have done
Regret retains
The poison remains
Never to see you run
Never to see you smile
Never to soothe your pain
Never be with you for your last sunset
To walk with you
Or hold your paw
Tell you, you will be alright
Close your eyes
Those sad eyes
Of auburn and ice
Gentle as a meadow
With a breath of cool Autumn wind
Breathe your last
I can't believe you are gone
I don't know how to tear myself away from this grief
These tears, crash as waves
Again and again
As I see you silent on that floor
Going farther than I can reach
Only in memory
Trying to keep it as real as today
Nevermore to hear you sleep
Save you from nightmares
With my fingers running through your mane
To calm and soothe you
This agony
My chest collapses
To an emptiness
Oblivion
And in that dark
Is a light
Shafts of hope
Through breaking clouds
I still see the wind you love
Holding your head high
Into the breeze
Across your coat
And it makes me think of endless plains
Of tall green grass
Rolling hills
Forever may you play
And waiting by a lone tree
For that fateful day
Till then my love
My friend
May you run with my Father
With his Stallion
And our old friend Corky
A new faithful companion
Now running by your side
A new friend to confide
To new journeys
And simple play
To keep you company
Everyday
I will look toward the stars
And search for you
Please
Forgive
And hear my call
I pray that you are happy
And at peace
As you run across the sky
Shining
Streaking across the night saying you
hear me
I say my last goodbye
For you live in this heart
Aching
With unconditional love
To my Guardian
Warrior
From above
Burn brightly
And wait for me
Greet me
When it's time
To take me home.
"In the corner, beside my window
There hangs a lonely photograph
There is no reason, I'd never notice
A memory that could hold me back
There is a wound that's always bleeding
There is a road I'm always walking
And I know you'll never return to this place"
- Opeth/"Hope Leaves"