~ m a v e a r w o r x ~ Track to Track: Part 7 ~
"For the Common Man . . ."
You - you walk a lonely line
Slide - with punks and drunks and saviors (In the big machine)
Down - you meet the rest of life
At the end of the day, It's what you do not what you say,
At the end of the day
You'll be fine,
At the end of the day, It doesn't matter anyway
At the end of the day,
You'll be fine!"
- Spock's Beard/"At the end of the day"
Also, trying to keep pace with deleted tracks, so I thank you very much for your patients. Please check back for even more tracks!
And if possible, please view this and other essays on a desktop, laptop or tablet in the intended format :). Most photos can be enlarged.
Don't forget, the amber colored words are Active, so click on them for various links.
August 11, 1966 ~ November 7, 2008
Chapter 1
Open letter to my friend
(Long overdue . . .)
You think I have no choice
For as long as I breathe
I'll take my pen
And I will use my voice..."
- Russ Ballard/"The Fire still Burns"
Preface . . .
He had depth, ambitions and dreams, he was hilarious, boisterous, personable to everyone and he was a good friend to me. And maybe I wasn't as good, I should have been there more for him, I should have called and said hello more often.
I'm trying to make up for the debts I owe him, and I want him and his family to know that I loved him like a brother. If there was anything I want from him . . . I want him back.
The magic we felt went away.
Grow up somebody said...
tell me where it's gone so I can go find it now.
I can't live your way.
Go ahead without me.
I'll find my own way!"
- Queensrÿche/"Some People Fly"
Redux: 7/20/17 thru 8/10/17 & 8/5/18 -
Somewhere out there among the stars . . .
Lies my friend, made of star stuff or in a heaven or place we can not comprehend. But it was a place that my friend wanted to find on Earth with someone special. But health and patience was not a friend to him.
It was rougher as he got older, he needed a respirator more often with its medicine. Which I never was really sure what he had, all I know is he was born with this defect in his breathing, and he had a portable respirator in his car if needed. I only got to know him in his early 30's. We met at a Comic Book store I worked at in Claremont California that was called "The Comic Bookie". I had met 4 other friends there, but the years have separated us far and wide.
"Tony" was loud and funny, sometimes too loud (coming from ME with my loud, often baritone Dj-like voice that gets on my own nerves) but he was always a comedian as if on stage performing in-front of strangers. If there were frowns because of his unusual look or demeanor (as well as those that look at me and make a quick gallop to the otherside of the street), those frowns would turn to smiles because he was lovable and made people laugh with his "shtick". I understood from cousins and friends, he was always the guy that made people laugh.
We both quoted SCTV, Monty Python, films and comedians often. Making each other laugh through our struggles. In the corner of my eye I could see others smile or chuckle as well.
His family at one time, I believe, had an Italian restaurant, but were also famous in town for their New York Cheesecakes that were so dense, you'd be filled by one slice! The cakes weighed about 5lbs.! And many eateries in the Inland Empire would carry the Marinelli Cheesecakes :).
Because of his look (including those "Marty Feldman's Eyes" - which he also quoted Marty from "Young Frankenstein" :D), in high school he was dubbed "Yoda", which he fully embraced because like me, he was a huge Star Wars fan. He also collected Yoda's since being bestowed with the moniker. He even had it on his license plate!
Now I know I'm only lucky, every freak of nature should know
How to run the whole freakin' show!
Freak of nature'd rather be, no less a man than you or me
He'd rather look the other way, choose to fight another day"
- Kansas/"Freak of Nature"
He was a fixture of the Inland Empire because he had appeared in a commercial for a local Pizza Restaurant that was shown regularly on cable TV spots. Often when we were together, someone would recognize him and they'd tell him how funny he was. It made him happy actually :). He was also on a huge billboard off of the 210 freeway in Irwindale! He held up a deck of cards with another gambler for a Casino ad, with a sly look on his face as he looked at all of us passing on the freeway.
Every year at the "Renaissance Pleasure Faire" he played the Fool, yes the court jester fit the persona as he pranced around many a faire goer with his quick wit and leave them laughing, in which he'd also perform with a Shakespearean Troupe on stage.
He was an "extra" making many appearances in big films. I especially remember him in "American History X" in a prison scene where he is in the background with Edward Norton and Guy Torry doing laundry (Tony was working a Laundry Chute). He briefly appeared in "Mystery Men" and I believe his last film was "Zodiac", where he got to spend time in his favorite city of San Francisco.
We had talked about going together to hangout, but were both in financial dire-straights. Though it was an incentive to try to find work in my field with up and down successes. It came too late.
Acting out a story that's not my own
There's drama and action and random acts of tragedy
I don't want to be in this starring role"
- Enchant/"Living in a Movie"
So I remembered something kinda' funny. Anthony was a vegetarian, and I had gone along with him to a few vegi-friendly eateries around town, he also cooked meals that I enjoyed, and when I was hungry for my full-bore carnivore foods, he would get himself fries, or if I craved "In-N-Out Burgers", he'd get the off menu Grilled Cheese Sandwich. One day he said to me; "You know what, I might go vegan". . . .
I must've looked at him like an alien. I said to him; "Anthony . . . you're Italian, almost everything has cheese
on it (including his own homemade Cannoli!)! And what about your families Cheesecakes!?" :p.
He stuck to it for about a month, but as an Italian, you just can't escape dairy and cheese :D.
And now, speaking of cheese . . .
Chapter 2: The lost keepers of ambition and love . . .
A warming trend — a gentle friend, A man must build a fortress to defend"
- Rush/"Animate"
~ here comes another helping, the tragic cheese ~
If only I had a chance to introduce my fiancee' to him :'). I know they both would have hit it off very well.
But we both had our share of chasing the wrong girls in a distant past, and that's what they were, "girls". Damaged goods that mind-fucked us believing WE were the ones that were not up to par, not the same level or not sophisticated enough for them. Fuck'em, they were too young, they weren't worth all the heartbreak and tears. And they could care less. They were always chasing someone else when we chased them anyway. I called it "Chasing tails", just going in circles. They may have been free spirits, but at some point they have to come back to earth and live reality, and they will see its a harder place with the trail of the dead they left in their wake when trust goes as far as their suitors could throw them. Karma is a bitch. All that seems so long ago, I don't want to be that guy again.
But the ones that REALLY hurt are those who were grown up. The ones that were meant to be (or so we thought), the ache you feel in your heart and in your gut when you're away from them. As if it were predestined when you walked into a room, a place in the street, a moment in time that was perfect and all the mathematical equations and natural elements create the big bang. Those are the ones that hurt the most. That's Love. But if they were "meant to be", it wouldn't have been a problem - we wanted them to be. That was something that happened once for me, but that person had heavy baggage which was too much for both of us to carry. Anthony had the same, and the woman he cared for couldn't stay put for very long, and left him hanging. All that magic, aching and you feel it in your gut stuff was just a lot of bla bla bla blahh it turned out, back then.
This was a time, soon after, when I moved out of town (Pomona) for a life change when I was a getting my feet wet in the Video Game industry, to Carlsbad to a year later, Marina Del Rey. Finally feeling I was moving forward on my own, but life made a left turn drastically just 2 years later after my contract was up, I made mistakes that could have kept me in the circle of industry jobs. I lost my girl, lost my rented cottage, became a roommate again 2 more times, and then the slow decline into homelessness for a year and a half. I disconnected myself from all my friends and family because I didn't want to be a burden. I had HARD life lessons that I can not believe I lived through. That was someone else not me, a tougher, resourceful, angry and pathetic man who didn't know what fate had waiting for me in the great nothing. Even though no one knew I was homeless (working at a comic store in Santa Monica part-time for most of that period, then being able to save money, about a year later working at a local organic food market) it all made me resilient, self-sufficient and see "life" close up, gave me an insight that no one else could understand. I look back at that man and ask "how did you make it through all that?" - and I ask that same man, "how are you living in the now?", where do I go from here?
As I got back on my feet, I got to see Anthony when I visited family in the nearby city. Both sad sacks still looking for love, he, seeing the same faces in the same ol' city, me in the BIG city of Lalaland with no ability to find anyone. Not feeling confident at all, making a fool of myself. And other times, chance meetings that I blew, and for a time just giving up. Time goes quickly, and at the worst times, years and years later when it seems you have nothing, the unexpected hits you right between the eyes. After all the bullshit, when you live through the "I think this is the one!", the game, the desperation, the hardness of heart and cynicism . . .
Real love would turn out to be something you know what it is when its reciprocated, it wasn't a chore, everything fell into place and makes you feel things you never had before. For me that happened much much later in life. Too long after I lost a few friends, along with my Father - all who I could have introduced this 2nd half of my heart. But I also wished that my friend would also find that love he searched
high and low for. He deserved to give that love he held onto, to someone who deserved it and gave it back in spades.
"No one should be made to feel their heart break
And to feel unloved
No one should be made to feel they're ugly
And to feel ashamed . . ."
- King's X/"Alone"
Life is MUCH too short . . .
Me and Anthony, and every man and woman has had those moments. Each of us had our chances and each tried to catch its brass ring in our own ways. But speaking for myself and Anthony, we had very good hearts, but our desires for those once in a lifetime meetings were bursting at the seams.
When you do this enough times in your life, and as you get older, you have more control (to a point). You take a breath, step back and then proceed, with an air of cool, humor (not too much) and take it in, not rush it and let it unfold. It didn't come natural for us as it does for a lot of men. We weren't "cool", we didn't have that air of mystery or that tough guy exterior. We were introverts just looking for the right girl, and we were NOT the type looking for a one night stand. Not that - that was an option for our types anyway. But we also got real tired with all those that say "You gotta' play the game". Reminds me of this song . . .
"Be still my beating heart, It would be better to be cool, It's not time to be open just yet
A lesson once learned is so hard to forget, Be still my beating heart
Or I'll be taken for a fool, It's not healthy to run at this pace
The blood runs so red to my face"
- Sting/"Be still my beating heart"
Anthony didn't have the time. I think he knew that time was short and he had to live for the here and now. Damn the patients and the game. He was going to be a waterfall of love, friendship and romance.
And why should I criticize this? Love is love, if they are scared by it, then they aren't the one for him, fuck'em. And that's what happened to me up to my 40's, I never acted my age (or looked it), only in certain moments that I had to "mature-up". But I knew because of this, I scared off my potentials. Left me broken hearted and brutal with myself. I couldn't stand the man looking in the mirror, and I was very hard on that reflection. I imagine Anthony was hard on himself too, but I only witnessed it in fleeting moments, through many discussions (now all recollections, fading memory), but I never went further in asking about it. I didn't want to bring him down. I knew this was the most important thing he wanted, to be accepted by a woman that was sweet and kind and accepted all the goodness that was in him. He had a universe of love to give, but it was too much for many, and they ran away from it.
He had made a small "Altar" to that woman who was out there somewhere, but I learned sometime ago you can't put women on that kind of pedestal. But it was something created for positive reasons to conjure those elements of chemistry to happen (Anthony's beliefs were through a wide variety of philosophies). But women can be assholes just like men, sometimes worse, vicious and cruel. Materialistic, selfish hypocrites, full of double-standards and selective recollections. You just have to take them as they come, peel away the facade (if any) and find the real person they are, see if they match and see where it all leads. Women are doing the same with us too.
But its when they ARE that jewel, a soul that is precious and if its their beauty outside, that matches the inside, if that's important to you, then maybe they see that in us too.
I'm an illustrator so everything is visual, attractiveness on the outside has always been the 1st smack to the head for me. When I look at the features of their face, it gets my motor running, in my mind, my body and my imagination (sorry, if there is an incredible body that goes with it, well the supercharger on my motor may explode!). The eyes are the window to the soul they say and I tricked myself in seeing things that were not there - but it finally happened, but again, very late in life. I could see where we would be, what we will do and be content forever with this one woman that chose me out of all the better choices out there, with their fortune 500 jobs, security, money, going with the flow of life. Instead of this overthinking, weird, quirky, nerdy, compassionate, idealistic/realistic, musically obsessed, creative, imaginative and sometimes opinionated guy that has a lot of love to give. When you have been alone for so long you start to believe you're not normal, you're a freak of nature. It's unnatural to go through life without that kind of love and intimate interaction. It's not right, no one deserves to be alone. We are alive to share our life. I understand that our needs and soul's don't survive in a vacuum.
"Baby, I used to be the kind anyone could burn.
But now I've left those days behind, and it's time for the wheel to turn.
Baby, I used to be so easy to take for a ride.
But now I've learned to play the game, and my eyes are always open wide."
- Gary Moore/"Don't take me for a Loser"
I see movies that are based on actual people, for example; "Shine", "American Splendor", "A Beautiful Mind", "The Theory of Everything", "Amadeus", "Love & Mercy" (this includes 2, although fictional characters from "The Fisher King" and "Sideways" that reflect the human condition) and many others, they are all about introverts, geniuses, who are also a bit nuts or neurotic, yet have found someone in the real life stories that loved them regardless, who nurtured them. Like the most goofiest guys I see on the streets, with the beautiful young woman in their arms, even homeless/strung-out men have someone to love them.
. . . makes US feel pretty pathetic not being able to attract anyone. Maybe I am too nuts :(.
So does status, means, wealth, designer shoes, an expensive car, a lavish home REALLY the attraction if the above can find THE one? But WE are the ones who ask too many questions, can't sleep at night and cry a sea of tears, and ask the powers that be out there all the why's. I have asked my Lord too many times what I did wrong, I have asked this so many times that I felt He got tired of me and concentrated on more important issues (other than my "1st world problems").
More recently I had my questions answered with what I thought was the biggest blessing I EVER had, but I'm still trying to reason the situation. Just more questions and no answers as of yet. I just shake my head and hang my head low. I'll never understand my life, leaps forward, a few steps back, into the shadows again and the darker I feel.
But I know that I need to pick up the pieces I laid out and put it back together, make something new and build upon it. And be ready to take on the life I have wanted to lead, but to share what I've built with this special woman rebuilding her own, that I want to share my entire life with. Before its too late, before we let it fade away and then we have nothing. "Life is too short" keeps ringing in my ears.
In my silhouette he stands
The wisdom of my premonition comes to life!
I was just a kid back then but now I'm back to take revenge
I sternly look my killer in the eye
I'm out for satisfaction when I'm suddenly distracted
By the silent cries that echo in the streets
My finger pulls the trigger
With my whole life left to figure if the boy I accidentally killed was me!"
- Haken/"Visions"
Chapter 3: We're weird.
So many ways to drag him down!
Some are fast and some take years and years
Can't hear what he's saying when he's talking in his sleep
He finally found the sound but he's in too deep"
- Dream Theater/"6:00"
The black sheep. We are the ones that have all this passion and inner flame yet have a chunk of the puzzle or vital part missing that could take us over that plateau, get to that place to become a success story. We try and try to get there and the more we run to it, the horizon gets farther away. Sometimes its right there, we reach for it and because of extraneous reasons it vanishes.
There were Art (Conceptual Designer) opportunities for me that I tried to get on board to relive that life again, and for Anthony, potential character roles that came and went, including his health that got in the way. For whatever reasons we had few moments that could've taken us where we wanted to be, and maybe just for the moment. If it was because we were giving up, tried and died, or couldn't get to a destination, or maybe even "afraid", just find that comfortable warmth under the sheets and hide. We missed those boats of opportunity for many reasons, but something was going to get us out of our funk and try again. All the sudden, a lifetime can blow right by. Time waits for no one.
It seemed I was trying more, that was my perception, Anthony was giving-in to apathy? No, it wasn't that simple, his health was getting harder to manage. I tried to "ease" in my encouragement to Anthony to keep trying. But the years would pass, try and try again, trying my best to live the life of a Production Artist in Film and situations I'd find myself in would bring me down, dry spells in my art and then try again, an endless routine. What else could I do? I couldn't just give up, I was compelled to strive on with my ambitions and let no one talk me out of it. Endure the crappy jobs until I could land that great creative job. Endure my family that offered no encouragement, only ridicule. Again, it seems soo long ago dealing with family discouragement. It's been a monkey on my back that I've done my best to cage and put it behind me. I had to believe in something, I had to believe in me. I wanted Anthony to believe he could overcome
anything. To this day, this verse haunts my every decision . . .
"Some are born to move the world — To live their fantasies
But most of us just dream about the things we’d like to be
Sadder still to watch it die, than never to have known it
For you — the blind who once could see --
The bell tolls for thee…"
- Rush/"Losing It"
I know that Anthony tried best he could. He confided in me though, that most of his friends and family didn't understand. It's hard for anyone to know, but I also understand when you hear the same thing everytime you try to explain, people try to say anything to comfort, or said nothing at all. Some are also too selfish and dealing with their own world. We are all "human", for good or bad. I can remember even he scolded me for believing all people should be more considerate - he'd remind me that not all people think like me/us. Well, I just hoped they heard another point of view and not to be so selfishly wrapped up in their 1st world problems and listen, to try to understand, simply listen.
I guess he considered me in one of those who understood, (he also had a gay friend that dealt with a lot, that I can only imagine what he went through, and I had hung out with him a few times as well and he was a very understanding and kind person, with jokes going back and forth with Anthony). I dealt with the same with my immediate family, and a few "newer" friends that turned-out to be the wrong friends back then, and I put an end to that. Kept the few left that I could count on with my life even though we were all split-up by great distances. It was, as if I "settled" for these new friends because the BEST friends were farther away. I can't believe I put up with people like that. Seems like an age, seems like it was someone else and not me. It would be a few years later Anthony came to the same realization and he threw those people away, he had enough.
No matter what people say though, we live for ourselves and we do the best we can to stay afloat to swim ashore. Hopefully we can take what we make of our lives and are able to be happy and find someone who takes you as you are. We all hope we can make it work and nurture this life we make.
"To those who understand
I extend my hand
To the doubtful I demand
Take me as I am
Not under your command
I know where I stand
I won't change to fit your plan
Take me as I am"
- Dream Theater/"Take me as I am"
Remembering another Anthony-ism in this autumn of 2017. Anthony had no time for "machinery". He had a cellphone, but it wasn't glued to his face or thumbs (although the zombie apocalypse hadn't happened yet with thousands of people looking down at the glow of their devices and all thumbs). He had the respect and courtesy to be engaged with the people around him, even if THEY were on their phones after
interrupting their conversations with him. He'd simply get up and walk away from them.
Even when I started to share stuff we had in common on my desktop or laptop, he was quickly bored and
did not like that it was getting in the middle of our time together. He had no time for that, literally. And I
totally respected that because he wanted to be IN the moment, in reality not virtually. Those who could not be without the constant interruptions of that leash, he let go. He thinned out the herd to those core friends that wanted to be there with him in real time. Not just a voice on a device, but face to face and live and breathe the same air. And to this day that's how I want it, I have no choice with distant friends, but I'd rather be there with a "voice" than texting and not typing fast enough where questions and answers get lost in perceptions and misunderstandings. That's NOT what being human and connectivity is all about . . . not for me anyway. I still do not own a cellphone, and I'll hold out as long as I can.
But thank you Anthony for standing up to it all. YOU had integrity and self-worth after all :).
I have drawn the line
Past which there can be no more compromise"
- Magellan/"Social Marginal"
Build me up ~ Tear me down
Until I'm falling to pieces.
The price I pay to live this way,
And the fantasy stays alive.
I can't live up, I can't let down
And leave you falling to pieces.
I crash and burn, I never learn,
I'm your morning obsession.
Build me up!
Break me down!"
- Dream Theater/"Tear me up, tear me down"
Though that shouldn't be an excuse, we have to have the patience to explain what we feel and why. But its frustrating when no one wants to understand. No one wants to try (though if we are blessed, we have 1 or 2 in our lives we can confide in). I hope that I have been able to explain myself without being defensive, boring (more substantial than self-pity) and cheesy, or this only looks good on paper.
But I guess its okay to feel this way if you are a poet, a journalist, a novelist, a songwriter, more credibility right? What are words for? Keep it all in, live with it, deal with it. Keep telling yourself that, when you feel like shit and there is no one around to talk to. Keep it all in till it explodes, keep it in till you're old, and grasping your heart and hearing your last gasp. Then what was life for?
But then if tragedy occurs, then those same people who got tired of all the excuses will say; "Why didn't he reach out to us? Why didn't she tell us what she was going through? They could have let us in and we could have tried to help!" - Don't let that happen, don't turn your back on those that need you, even if they are pushing you away. At some point, WE need to forgive each other for whatever we did, make amends and remember what brought us all together in the first place, and what we enjoyed about each other's company. Rare friends are hard to replace, I've had my share and made mistakes, others just faded out of my life. I wish we didn't close ourselves off and knocked down walls.
And then we hear those dreaded words, from our closest friends, to those who we just met . . .
yourself, and times you just don't care anymore. I've come to accept it, dread it and am embarrassed by it. But the older I get, and know that most people can't believe how old I am because of my character, it becomes an attitude "its just me" - if I don't like it, I need to change it for me because I'm the worst critic of all. For all my failings and mistakes, realizing my foolishness, embarrassments a few minutes later and turning myself red from past situations that stop me in my tracks, I will ALWAYS be a work in progress. But I worry everyone will be sick of waiting for the caterpillar to turn into a butterfly. Or a mouse to a lion, a crow to an eagle - a bird of prey.
"They used to say I was nowhere, man, heading down was my destiny.
But yesterday, I swear, that was someone else not me . . ."
- Queensryche/"Someone Else"
We are like a model kit that hasn't been finished. You can see the intricate parts have been put in place, its painted beautifully, its fully articulate and everyone sees the potential . . . but its not finished. Everyone wants to see the finished product. No one has the patients to see it till the end, they want it now or never. But the ideas and creativity to finish the model can't be rushed, it needs special care and time to see how
magnificent it will be when its done and even add some alterations to make it even better. May take weeks, months, years . . . but no one has that kind of patience, so it seems.
Leaving distrust behind, I'm inspired and content"
- Dream Theater/"Scarred"
"My lips are moving and the sound's coming out
The words are audible but I have my doubts
That you realize what has been said
You look at me as if you're in a daze
It's like the feeling at the end of the page
When you realize you don't know what you just read"
- Missing Persons/"Words"
~ Persona non grata ~
Get this tape to tori
Got to have a subplot
When i sell them my life story
Maybe i should write it first
And do the living later
'cause life is so much cleaner on the page"
- Chroma Key/"On the Page"
In a world of ephemeral and constant needs to communicate with people far away, what about those that are at arm's length, a drive away, a visit to hang out, to see how you are doing? How about the people that feel soo alone yet they don't want to have anything to do with these machines in our way? Anthony was one of those people. He simply wanted people there in the present, in the here and now without the distractions, he had no time for it, literally. And I couldn't either, and for that and trying to explain ourselves to others, sometimes it was a mistake to those that could not, or care to try to understand. It's like being in a room full of people and feeling like an outcast. But sometimes, we have to admit, we don't feel like the life of the party . . .
Take comfort from me
It's up to you now
You're still here and you'll dig in again
That's comfort to you
It's up to you now
So pariah you'll begin again
Take comfort from me
And I will take comfort from you"
- Steve Wilson/"Pariah"
I have met many kids or young adults who want to be artists/illustrators, I have ALWAYS made time to give them advice, what to look out for, and be honest with themselves and their abilities (compare themselves
to the designers that are working) and find out their worth. That the road is wide open for them, they can
achieve whatever they set their mind to become. But to listen to themselves and make their own "story", not listen to others who have told them "yeah, but its hard out there, I tried and couldn't make it" - that's THEIR story, YOURS is "unique", it may have been done before, but this is YOUR personality, that's what makes it yours, its what makes it unique. Own it, and YOU can make it work, you have something no one else has, so go for it! And get out there and be what you want to be :).
I am never looking back
I've been beat up, I've been spit out
I know shit, jack...
She may be my killer of hope
But if she calls my name now
I ain't going back!"
- Magellan/"Killer of Hope"
"peaking". He has an opportunity as well - to step outside himself, with a potential for love, but he thinks of himself as a troll, but to his amazement this woman is trying to bring the best out of him (albeit from a distance) as she too is working on the 2nd half of her life and move forward from a bad marriage. Both have been through the ringer, both are trying to stay at a safe distance not to be hurt and too afraid to take the leap. But at some point the 1st step needs motion.
With some of us it doesn't come easy, and to find that person may come late, but not too late. Yet with a little understanding, a bit of nurturing, even a slap on the forehead for good measure that us guys (me) need to step up to the plate and GIVE that love without hesitation to show that we care, to pour out that love to the woman who is right there waiting to receive it. And to make the life we want to pursue, and make it happen. For the greater good for all involved.
. . . We can't give up, we gotta' keep moving forward. WE have to make this life we envision work.
"I said if love has these conditions, I don’t understand those songs you love
She said; this is not a love song, this isn’t fantasy-land
I’ll be around, If you don’t push me down too far"
- Rush/"Cold Fire"
I'm a lonely sailor lost at sea
Drifting with the tide
Never quite knowing why
Sometimes it makes no sense at all!"
- Styx/"Man in the wilderness"
We take every word said and put it away in the recesses of memory, hold onto this precious gem that promised and loved. And when time passes we wonder why they can't remember what they said from the heart, why are we being pushed away, misunderstood or why would they think we would say or do something soo awful that is not even in us, we wouldn't be able to do that to another person, especially to someone we love. It's ironic that WE feel insecure yet by these actions it shows their insecurities (for them, or us, sometimes it goes both ways) and for some reason they can't let go, so it must be our fault.
And don't forget those voices whispering in our ears, when we should trust the voice inside . . .
Love is complicated and tragic. Don't they know they were the star in-which we plotted our course? :)
We all have these intricate components that "match" with the right person, the chemistry is there, but somewhere when each get comfortable, gets used to all our habits and personality, we begin to be nit-picky, take it all for granted, as if we have to point out useless stuff that is going to save their lives or ours. Yup. . . the honeymoon is over.
What happened to all that getting to know each other? That takes a lifetime! We both knew what we were getting into when we got in the boat, it has leaks, needed some woodwork, frayed rigging, but it had a sturdy rudder and the sails worked fine even though a little tattered but patched up. It's all a work in
progress but it has all the elements to get us to our destination. Its got a name and its ready for the open waters!
But now people want to abandon ship at 1st glance of an oncoming storm, and my 1st thought is to ride it out together to strengthen the bonds, its the "Anchor", and they want to bail into open waters with the sharks without thinking of the consequences. Rash decisions at the point of panic, instead of sitting down, talking about it, and VENT. See that there are more hands to take control the boat, plot the course and head into the wind!
It ends up that the people like us are the stronger ones, the one complaining just wants to give up, let go and sink to the dark depth alone. But we are holding the line to the life-raft and never letting go.
The rigging, the ropes are made of various fibers of experiences, that when tied together are stronger. Everything we are, together makes the whole stronger, wiser, complete :).
But who cares about our strength in the end, they leave, we are both alone. But I'm the one left with the frayed end of the rope and ask; ". . . what the hell just happened"? And maybe, I didn't see that my steering into the wind made for dangerous waters. I was heading us into the rocks . . . :(.
I've seen this movie and I know how it ends . . .
I can reason all this out but it's a violin that plays the same tune over and over, and I'd like to dance to
something new. They always want to leave, they don't want to ride the waves, they know its never easy but they feel its better to ride it out alone (or they tested the used boat, time for a yacht!). They seem not to care that they abandoned us with a million questions with no answers and its killing us. They can't take the waves so they jump - take their chances out there for something better. Hell, maybe they're right.
No life or relationship is perfect, but either they see they are alone with no one to nurture them, or they have someone that doesn't nurture enough, makes them laugh, values what's inside. And they had this
gem in their hands and now its coal, its cold and empty. Like a small boat just floating in an endless sea. A star that burns lonely in the sky for no one to see its glow, slowly burning out in eternity.
And maybe, on those empty, dark and lonely days and nights, they might just ask themselves; "What the hell have I done? . . .". Damn regrets. Spread the blame around, we all had our part to cut the line.
I know that Anthony asked those same questions, but time was running out for him. Time is much too
short ringing in our ears. Maybe we need a bigger boat . . .
"You say you can't tell right from wrong, confusion's pulled the reins tight in your soul
You think it's all going to make sense, that accomplishments are gonna make you whole
Following, following confusion, running from someone who looks like me
Stop and take a look inside you, now you tell me who it is you see
Save your love and tenderness, don't get lost in bitterness
Save the dreams, you had when we started
Do the things you have to do, but don't forget the love we knew
Don't lose your love, 'cause we've parted"
- Jefferson Starship/"Save your Love"
Chapter 4: Last requests . . .
There are millions who are just like me
Is our life our own
Or are we bred to think everything's fine?
Just another ant in the line.
I don't want to be
One more calf who's suckling the cash cow
Dressed like a corporate freak!
Begging the clock to give me the chance to be me
A few moments just to be free"
- Enchant/"Monday"
We were not any different, we wanted to do something great, travel and see new things, live through new experiences, find love and share moments with someone special. We wanted to be able to grasp the dream and live it. But whatever circumstances that prevented us grabbing the prize, or our own missed
opportunities bringing us down to earth, with all its regrets and bitterness, it can ruin moments when we
could have confided in close friends, and at the very least, we could just "hang" and get a bite to eat and
talk. There were many missed opportunities to do that. Took for granted a friendship that was a ride or
phone call away.
He was very much interested in cars, his father had owned various souped up cars from the 50's (his last was a 1958 Corvette, 2 tone, Red and White Convertible) and Tony had a custom Mini-truck when I met him and was part of a local Car Club. He stayed with that club a couple of years after he purchased his Mini Cooper, though I never really knew why he quit. Maybe he was falling out with the people - again just speculation but, I wonder if people really knew what he had been going through.
Talk about living in a small world, his cousin (Michael Castiglione, who I believe was part of the Car Club in the early days) was a Car Engineer for Dodge, he had designed the return of the revamped Challenger in 2006/07. When I first met him and found that out, I had to ask him for copies of his concept art, which he did the next time I saw him and he signed the pages :).
Tony's 3rd request, and I was taken aback because I should have thought of it myself. I had, at the time, gotten him into Progressive Rock/Metal music, he was very particular in what he liked, but was open to hear what I'd been listening to, and had listened to many of my Compilation CD's when we were on the road, and a song would perk up his ears and he liked the words. So he asked;
Soon after, Tony had one last request, he wanted me to come over and just hang and eat candy, snacks and watch movies - sort of to forget our woes, make-up for Halloween that just passed and have a good time :D. I said "Sure! Sounds fun! let's do it!"
So we got everything we needed at his home. I have to explain that I loved his home, it was a guest house in a huge back yard of the main house, close to the foothills of Upland. I commented that it looked like a "Modern Japanese Home", its hard to explain, it was long, and many windows all around, that made it look like a continuous window on each side. There was a wooden deck outside that was lit up with tiny lights and what was once a "Well" at the end - from some bygone day.
Again, the interior was modern, Kitchen with a door to the deck, from the living room to the front door, half way from the living room was an opening, straight on was the large bathroom, at the right was the bed on a loft with 3 steps, to the left was his little desk nook that I loved, where all his Yoda and CD collections were, with comic nick-knacks on shelves. On the opposite wall of the nook that faced the living room was a life-sized version of HIM in "Carbonite" :D. A mold was made of him and a replica of the "Han Solo/Carbonite" device hung on the wall. Everything in the house was perfectly put together and tidy . . . I LOVED that home :).
I loved walking through the yard at night from the car port as it was pitch black until the lights went on from our motion. The yard was wide, surrounded by thick brush and old trees, and again, various wooden structures and farming equipment from another era, circa 1900's when it was probably a farm. You could see all the farther stars, hear the crickets and it was quiet as Tony lead us into the home as the gravel to his door crunched under our feet.
We got our sodas, candies, snacks and popcorn ready for 2 movies and an episode of the original Johnny Quest series to start the evening off. It was a quiet but nice evening together. By the time we were going through the 2nd movie, he was getting tired. After the movie he let on that he would take me home as he felt exhausted. I offered to stay with him overnight so he wouldn't have to drive, as the next day (as I am looking at some notes about that time, I was heading to Hollywood to check-in with the Amoeba Record Store for a job and sell some CD's) but he said it was okay, he just needed to rest. It was a Thursday night I believe and he drove me home. When we got to my house, he got out and we said our goodbyes, but he said something that was kinda' odd, he said, "have a good night and good luck to you". It struck me as I walked away, he didn't say "good luck in finding a job this week" or "good luck with Amoeba (etc.)", it sounded a bit final.
We shook hands and we went on our way. I went in, and watched TV till I fell asleep.
Next day I came home very late (1am) from my trip to Hollywood and went to my room to wind down.
My roommate then knocked on my door . . .
As I wrote in my notes:
"I hear my roommates footsteps on the wooden floor, and then a knock at the door. . .
Now what!? I say "Yeahhh!?" he asks "Can you come out please?". Shit! So I try to hide my angst, as I see him heading out the front door outside and I ask what's up?
I believe he said, "I have something to tell you so get a grip . . ."
I had no idea what was coming, I didn't think of my Mom, my Brother, my friend in Iraq . . .
"Tony passed away this morning".
I said, "WHAT!!!? I JUST saw him last night!!!" , he said "I know, his Mom called earlier".
I was beyond Shocked, I felt invisible, numb . . .
I started to think about him and how his hand felt in mine as we said goodbye, his voice . . . It then hit me, and I left to my room to weep.
His life was inexplicably entwined into mine, all my thoughts of him and what we would have done together, all the things we would see, when I would have a great job and go to Concerts, have a great meal, the things we would talk about . . . my friend is gone.
It was too late to call his Mom, but I left a message for mine, broken and sad in my voice.
I sat on my bed saying over and over . . . my friend is gone.
And thoughts of who found him, what happened, why is this happening?
My escape was to fall asleep, and say a few words to my friend, where was he, what Is he? He would know my pain now, but I said a brief prayer for him and his Family, especially for his Parents, Sister and Brother in-law.
I covered myself in the darkness not wanting to face the next day.
Why did he live Christ? Why couldn't you make him healthier? Why should such a sweet guy such as this leave us and not experience soo much more? I was angry and lost in misery.
I awoke nervously the next day to call Anthony's Mom, when she realized it was me she started weeping and said, "My Tony is gone!"
. . . my heart sank.
She knew that we were getting together, so she asked how he was, and I went on to tell her he was completely fine with no problems whatsoever, we had a good time snacking and watching movies, nothing out of the ordinary, just enjoying each others company.
Throughout our brief conversation, Josie would weep, then as to break out of a trance, she would talk calmly. I strongly think she was some-what prepared, it was a sudden loss, maybe I'm wrong but she seemed ready.
I had to ask how he was found, it was at his home that she found him . . .
She told me that they were supposed to meet up to go shopping at 1pm Friday, I believe at her house, he didn't show.
She asked her Husband, "Did Tony show up with Tony (me) at the house?" and he said no.
So she went to his home and the lights were on, even the decorative lights on the outside deck were lit! She peered through a window to see the TV was on and a soda on the table, but could not see him.
She found him and said he had a "peaceful" look on him. There was no sign or traces of a struggle. He must've passed out sometime after he dropped me off and came home (. . .*sob).
. . . I was the last person to see him."
I really cared about you
I didn't think that I could love a friend
As much as I loved you
And we were always friends
We were Captain Jim and Billy
The Super-human Crime-avenging Twins
I'm gonna miss you
I truly am alone now
Because there's no one to congratulate my sins"
- Kevin Gilbert/"Song for a dead friend"
Many of us shared funny stories at the podium (seems we all had stories of the "combative" way he drove :D), but it was heart wrenching, but in a way that it was surreal, he should be here, we should be doing stuff together - where is he? My Mom came with me and it was with great shock that people would hug and "touch me", I was the very last person to see him alive. I didn't know if I was to be moved or . . . I'm not sure what I was to feel. I just wanted my friend back. People needed to feel his presence, I was the last to see him, I was there with him, I heard his voice for the last time . . .
I think too - we looked alike (and the hair), as if we were Brothers. We used to have a gag, if people "looked" at us, or asked if we were brothers, we'd look at each other, then look at them, and both say at the same time . . .
The chapters that I skipped I'm going to have to read again"
- Kevin Gilbert
I
The 1st thing he ever asked of me was to draw him as a Jedi Warrior, many years before anything was planned for Star Wars Episode I.
He actually had a "Tail" that ran down the side of his crazy curly long hair, which was more prominent when he tied his hair back, it was his thing at the time. He was a "Padawan" before we ever heard of this apprentice title :). So I created the portrait you see here, that he proudly put up on the wall of his desk nook. A year or 2 before he died, he cut off the tail and saved it. He wasn't a Padawan anymore.
He was a Jedi Knight, a veteran fighter, who was virtuous and honest, a gentleman and a true friend. A man of honor fighting forward as best he could, fighting an illness, doubt, fate and failure till the last breath - but with laughter and a honest heart. And I can think of him and smile, and remember how we laughed no matter what we went through :).
I could have been a much better friend and been there for him more throughout my messy life. Again, all the dark regrets to slam me on the floor face down, in anger and all the tears, beating myself up. But somehow I get up bloody for another round. I just can't throw in the towel.
I miss him, I miss his voice and his laugh, I miss his presence and all he was, loud and funny as ever.
He is the Jedi Master spirit that I talk to in the dark from time to time, wondering where he is and if he can see me, hoping I'm doing the right things, wondering if he is happy for me in the love I've found?
And trying to comfort his family, especially his Mother and Father :'(.
The river flows much thicker fed by each thrust
No beast alive does compare
The spirit beside you everywhere
Let not your head be turned by tainted reward
And dreams of fortune won forever to hoard
Your conscience could not repair
The spirit inside you used without care"
- Magnum/"The Spirit"
Chapter 5: Last wishes . . .
'cause you'll only be cutting your throat!
And answer a call while you still hear at all
'cause nobody will if you won't!"
- Dream Theater
I can't fathom the loneliness to go that deep in the darkness and I don't want to because I may never crawl out of that density of blackness. I'm sure he felt cheated, and I don't blame him, how can anyone live alone with soo much love to give? And there was no place to put it.
Thats fucked-up, that's when my compassion for humanity waines. Why did fate choose to leave him out of it? What natural elements in the universe and time decided that he wasn't part of the equation, that his time was up and he needed to be removed for whatever purpose. That's where God loses me in the mire of sadness and "what's it all mean - what's the big plan"? I have many questions to ask when my own time is up. But I also have to count my blessings, but what about my friend Anthony :'(?
Many look at life as time spent, we live and die and that's all, you love and have people that love you. In my heart, the thoughts and feelings to reason, and intellect to take apart and breakdown, it seems to little,
too fleeting. Especially in a universe of great mysteries. I have to believe we are more than leaves or ashes in the wind.
Heaven can wait
Heaven can wait
Heaven can wait 'til another day!"
- Iron Maiden/"Heaven can Wait"
been through, all the toil and happiness, to have it end suddenly is not the way we want to go. All these
experiences lived for nothing, being hit by a piano from the sky, dying away from a slow disease or fading away to nothing. But that's life, you can live to be a hundred or 5. Life is soo precious that we have to live each day as the last - and I wish I were living these words.
I have had prayers hoping that I get to see what's on the otherside of that hill, I'm not ready to go yet. I want to be able to do the things I set a course for, that I can pick myself up and get back on my feet - and when I've fixed my own life, I can actually "give back" somehow, share my knowledge and help people have the opportunities I missed. And be comfortable enough to go out and find love again.
Unfortunately things don't happen in "logical order", but it was also important for me to find that special woman to share my life and stories, and to hear her own experiences, and meld them together and give each of us reasons to live every moment as if it was the most precious thing in the world. Even with all the fights, hurdles and concerns in life . . . we could come back and open our hearts to forgive, to hold each other without fear that the other will leave, no matter what. That money and things have no hold on us, they may entertain us and pay the bills, but without "us" its a vacuum. WE are here for US. What would happen if one of us left this Earth too soon, then what? More fucking regrets, and for what? . . . too proud to want someone to "surrender" to? To actually TRUST someone with all our heart? God forbid we desire love with someone we can trust. God forbid Tony tried and hoped to find that love.
It's hard to talk about all this without sounding so damn cheesy, I know its important for many people, for others it comes easy. I've seen all types of dynamics in relationships, some full of love, others make me scratch my head, and in between. Though many have had loved ones taken from them much too soon as well. Some move on, some find new love, others can't seem to fathom finding another person to love as much as the person they trusted, so they don't try, or can't put trust in anyone that seems remotely interested. Maybe we go soo long without finding that love, it feels like its too late. That we may not have "enough" of what they need.
to shield my heart
All the fear I feel from doubt
Is tearing me apart
I wanna' love, I wanna' give
I want to find another way to live
Another shout, another cry!
And the walls come tumbling down"
- Yes/"Walls"
. . . But what about my friend Anthony? My friend is gone, we didn't get to see success for each other :(.
But somehow through it all, we joked and laughed, hard. We did our best to cheer each other up, even if
most of the time it was being goofy for the sake of it. We couldn't be morose 24/7, we had to smile and
laugh at the absurdity of it all, because it was all so damned hysterical :).
I'm stranded, stuck here on my own
I'm trapped -- A prisoner of my own design
On the brink of sensory overload
Never felt so alone
Anguish hits me like a stone
Who can I blame for engineering my fate
When what I love becomes what I hate?"
- Enchant/"Surrounded"
As I did for my father, my family, the friends that are still here, and those gone, and for my love, I want to believe, no matter where I am under a starry sky, I say my prayers, and occasionally a bright streak flies
across the black to remind that you hear me. And that hope lives, no matter what the cynics say. There is always hope.
The joker in the deck keeps handin' me his card
Smilin' friendly he takes me in
Then breaks my back in a game I can't win
Jivin', hustiln', what's it all about?
Everybody always wants the easy way out
Thirty golden pieces for the Judas kiss
What's a nice boy doin' in a place like this?
Never Surrender, keep your dreams alive
Never Surrender, hold your head up high!"
- Triumph/"Never Surrender"
~ Never Surrender! ~
These songs are to remind you that YOU are stronger than you know, that YOU can find a way to honestly make the life you want, within your own hands without regrets or having to regress to what you were in the past. YOU can move forward without the excuses, the easier way out, or falling into apathy. Even when the pressure is to follow, the beaten path or to fit in, you can go against the grain and choose your own destiny - that you have all the means before you to make everything right. Its not easy, Lord knows its not easy for me or was for my friend who tried to do what he could, especially for those that have had it much harder, but we can only move forward, don't step back - take the leap! I try to tell myself this everyday - Find YOUR bliss!
Keep trying, keep doing all it takes to find yourself and what you want to do to find that ever elusive
happiness :).
It's all your own
But innocence was gone, it's gone
No surrender, don't give up
Never carry that white flag
No surrender, now get up
Rise and bury your white flag!"
- Fates Warning/"White Flag"
I'll see you on the otherside . . .
A thousand tears it still remains
Cold November rains
Wash your blood from my veins
And as the hours meld into the years
Windows to my soul reveal
The answer to my prayers is not the dream, but to believe"
- Arch Matheos/"Midnight Serenade"
Playlist; "For the Common Man . . ."
Don't you see life's a game
So take hold of the flame!
You've got nothing to lose, but everything to gain!"
Queensrÿche/"Take hold of the Flame"
~ Epilogue: Self Portraits ~
I don't wanna lose control
And even if it takes a lifetime to learn
I'll learn.
Don't fall in line, if you're thinking that you're gonna...
You should maybe think about a reason in your own mind
You've already gone
Evolve!"
- Devin Townsend Project/"Supercrush!"
~ For the Common Man . . . ~
P A R T I: How we die to live/How we fly/The loneliness of solo flight . . .
Part I: Aaron Copland - Fanfare For The Common Man
Dream Theater - 6:00
Spock's Beard - At the End of the Day
Recent note: Seems the studio version is back up! :D But just in case . . .
The actual studio version from another source. Please play, and continue onto Styx track:
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2qn44l
Genesis - Dance on a Volcano
Styx - Superstars
Ark - Singers at the World's Dawn
Andromeda - Star Shooter Supreme
Fates Warning - Leave the Past Behind
This Hawk is Dying; "...Like a Hammer!"
Ritual - Wingspread
Amorphis - Sky Is Mine
Yngwie J. Malmsteen's Rising Force - As Above So Below
Kansas - I Can Fly
Emerson Lake & Powell - Learning To Fly
Saga - The Flyer
Sun Caged - Secrets of Flight
King's X - Fly
Queensrÿche - Some People Fly
Pink Floyd - Learning To Fly
Rush - Tom Sawyer
Comedian Steve Hughes on Jobs
Enchant - Monday (Prelude: the Working Man)
Prototype - Half Life
Riverside - The Depth of Self / Delusion
Fates Warning - So
Soundgarden - Outshined
Steven Wilson (ft. Ninet Tayeb) - Pariah
Devin Townsend Project - Disruptr
The Abyss 1989; "FIGHT!!!"
Triumph - Fight The Good Fight
Metal Church - The Fight Song
GTR - When the heart rules the mind
Yes - The Calling (extended version)
Kansas - Belexes
Kings X - Pray
Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying; The Shawshank Redemption
Styx - Fooling Yourself (The Angry young man)
Dream Theater - Solitary Shell
Magellan - Social Marginal
Saga - Social Orphan
King Crimson - Dinosaur
The Who - Behind Blue Eyes
Everon - Driven
Rush - Driven
Queensrÿche - In This Light
Devin Townsend - Moonpeople
Ringo Starr - It don't come easy
Kansas - Got To Rock On
Magnum - Breakdown
Rush - Anthem
Metallica - Escape
Helloween - I want out
Sepultura - Inner Self
Pantera - A New Level
Metal Church - By The Numbers
Queensrÿche - Inner Unrest
Soundgarden - Rusty Cage
C.O.C. - Clean My Wounds
Trouble - Scuse Me
Rough Cutt - Try a little Harder
Fates Warning - Pieces of Me
Embracing the internal freak . . .
Kansas - Freaks of Nature
Freak Kitchen - Freak of the Week
Red Rider - Lunatic Fringe
Celestial Navigations - The Loser
Ayreon - Day 16: Loser
AZ/DZ (Z) - Loser
John Connelly Theory - Joe's Tune
Gary Moore - Don't take me for a Loser
Little River Band - Lonesome Loser
The Fisher King; "What did I get!?" :(
Rush - Cold Fire
Victor - Start Today
Kings X - Alone
Opeth - Voice of Treason
Jefferson Starship - Save Your Love
Joey Eppard - Shadowplay
Leprous - Slave
Devin Townsend - Deadhead
Triumph - Killing Time
Dream Theater - Scarred
Steven Wilson/Ninet Tayeb - Rock Bottom
The Beatles - The Fool On The Hill
Robin Trower - The Fool And Me
Mike Keneally - 'Cause of Breakfast
Enchant - Living In A Movie
Chroma Key - On the Page
Rush - And the Stars look down
Missing Persons - Words
Led Zeppelin - Nobody's Fault But Mine
Van Halen - Runnin' With The Devil
Nightwing - The Devil Walks Behind You
Emerson Lake & Powell - Touch and Go
Robin Trower - The Day of the Eagle
Spock's Beard - Devil's got my Throat
Spock's Beard - Freak Boy
Wake up! Ye FREAK! / Film: Gregory's Girl
Spock's Beard - Freak Boy Part 2
Adrian Belew - Fish Head
Andrew Gold - Lonely Boy
Toy Matinee - There was a little boy
Metallica - The Unforgiven
Nevermore - The Heart Collector
Devin Townsend Project - Failure
Dream Theater - Build Me Up, Break Me Down
I'm One - The Who
Kansas - Andi
Saga - Once in a Lifetime
Saxon - Suzie Hold On
Sideways; "Why are you so into Pinot?"
Gardenian - Small electric space
Divine Regale - Ocean Mind
Queensrÿche - Someone else? (Full Band version)
John Connelly Theory - L.H.A.
Part II: Aaron Copland & ELP adaption: Fanfare For The Common Man
Magnum - The Prize
The Quiet Room - A Different Scene
Geddy Lee - Working at Perfekt
Enchant - Once a Week
Dream Theater - Wither
Shadow Circus - Journey of Everyman
no lyrics found sadly :(
Echolyn - A Suite For The Everyman
Styx - Man In The Wilderness
Anubis Gate - Lost in Myself
Rush - Resist
Mullmuzzler - A simple man
Kings X - I just want to Live
Everon - Bridge Team / Across the Land
Magellan - Killer Of Hope
Kansas - Hope Once Again
Devin Townsend Project - The Way Home!
Flying Colors - Open your Eyes
Roger Daltrey - Free Me
Asia - Sole Survivor
Adrian Belew - This Is What I Believe In
Part III: ELP - Fanfare for the Common Man (LIVE)
Yes - That, That is
- a. "Togetherness"
- b. "Crossfire"
- c. "The Giving Things"
- d. "That Is"
- e. "All in All"
- f. "How Did Heaven Begin?"
- g. "Agree to Agree"
Vox Tempus - Foreshadows (Instrumental)
Vox Tempus - Revelations
Rush - The Analog Kid
Boston - More than a Feeling
Dead Poets Society; "Carpe Diem"
Martyr - Carpe Diem
Voyager - Seize the Day
Dream Theater - A Change of Seasons
- "I. The Crimson Sunrise"
- "II. Innocence"
- "III. Carpe Diem"
- "IV. The Darkest of Winters"
- "V. Another World"
- "VI. The Inevitable Summer"
- "VII. The Crimson Sunset"
Kansas - Journey from Mariabronn
Saga - (Goodbye) Once Upon A Time
Ice Age - To Say Goodbye, Part I: Worthless Words (Instrumental)
Ice Age - To Say Goodbye, Part II: On Our Way
Anubis Gate - Golden Days
Haken - Crystallized
Lemur Voice - Memory Lane
Sun Caged - Unchanging
The Neal Morse Band - Long Day / Overture
Stinky Wizzleteats / The Ren & Stimpy Show - Happy Happy Joy Joy Song
King Crimson - Happy with What You Have to Be Happy With
Yes - Lift me Up
Flying Colors - Infinite Fire
Queensrÿche - Take Hold Of The Flame
Prototype - The Way It Ends
Kansas - Fight Fire with Fire
Devin Townsend Project - Resolve!
Metal Church - No Tomorrow
Nevermore - Sea of Possibilities
Flotsam & Jetsam - Time to Go
MindMaze - Sign of Life
Riverside - Discard your Fear
Russ Ballard - The Fire Still Burns
Magnum - The Spirit
Supershine - Shining On
Part III: Joe vs The Volcano; Joe Quits
Styx - Blue Collar Man (Long Nights)
Gentle Giant - Working All Day
Rush - Working Man
King's X - Working Man
Jethro Tull - Pussy Willow
The Police - Synchronicity II
Genesis - Keep It Dark
The Vintage Caravan - Reset
Runaway Train; " . . . I wish I could"
Molly Hatchet - Dreams I'll Never See
Point Blank - On the Run
American Beauty; Kevin Spacey applies for job/drive through
Ayreon - Connect the Dots
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Simple Man
Styx - This Old Man
Blackfoot - Diary of a Working Man
Flying Colors - You Are Not Alone
Leprous - Below
Dream Theater - Misunderstood
Saga - The Security of Illusion
Arch / Matheos - Midnight Serenade
Sideways; Maya: The Life Of Wine
Rush - Losing It
UK - Thirty Years
Kansas - Going Through the Motions
King Crimson - One Time
Queensrÿche - One More Time
Fates Warning - Chasing Time
Saga - Times Up
Sieges Even - Sequence VI: To the ones who have failed
Pursuit of Happyness; The Declaration . . .
Triumph - Ordinary Man
Dream Theater - Learning to Live
King's X - Move
Genesis - Man of our Times
Lemur Voice - Celestial Haze (Instrumental)
Lemur Voice - Deep Inside
Nightwing - Living Behind the Eight Ball
Enchant - Hold the Wind
The Kinks - Low Budget
Metal Church - Date With Poverty
King's X - Broke
The Police - When the World is Running Down
Part IV: Keith Emerson and Friends - Fanfare For The Common Man
Arch/Matheos - Any given Day (Strangers like me) /// Prelude: The Wall Suite
Kansas - The Wall /// The Wall Suite - Part I
Dream Theater - Tear Down these Walls /// The Wall Suite - Part II
Adrenaline Mob - Hit the Wall /// The Wall Suite - Part III
Stone Fury - Break Down The Wall /// The Wall Suite - Part IV
Rush - Circumstances /// The Wall Suite - Part V
Enchant - Surrounded /// The Wall Suite - Part VI
Redemption - Walls /// The Wall Suite - Part VII
Yes - Walls /// The Wall Suite - Part VIII
Pink Floyd - Hey You /// The Wall Suite - Part IX
Genesis - In the Cage /// The Wall Suite - Part X
Celestial Navigations - The Wall /// The Wall Suite: Epilogue
". . . He must've had on some really nice pants"
Dream Theater - As I am
Queensrÿche - I Am I
Fates Warning - I Am
Devin Townsend Project - Kingdom
Voyager - The Meaning of I
Nevermore - Optimist or Pessimist
Phil Collins - I Don't Care Anymore
Victor - I Am the Spirit
Adrian Belew - I Am What I Am
Mike Keneally - I Will
Devin Townsend Project - Supercrush!
Rush - Stick it out
Riverside - Dance With The Shadow
Saga - Cat Walk (Unabridged Version)
Kansas - Three Pretenders
King Crimson - Three of a perfect Pair
Rainbow - Self Portrait
Enchant - Paint The Picture
Frost* - Closer to the Sun
King's X - Picture
Angel-A; "The Mirror" // Part IV: Look into the mirror - Prelude
Echoes - Epilogue Live '08 // Look into the mirror 1a
Echoes - Rude Awakening // Look into the mirror 1b
Chris Cornell - Seasons // Look into the mirror 2
Enchant - My Enemy // Look into the mirror 3
Riverside - Under a Pillow // Look into the mirror 4
Dream Theater - The Mirror // Look into the mirror 5
Ion Vein - Reflections Unclear // Look into the mirror 6
Frost* - The Other Me // Look into the mirror 7
GTR - Jekyll and Hyde // look in the Mirror 8
Fates Warning - Stranger (with a familiar face) // look in the Mirror 9
Alice in Chains - It Ain't Like That // Look into the mirror 10
Trouble - E.N.D // Look in the Mirror 11
Haken - Visions // Look in the Mirror 12
Enchant - My Gavel Hand // Look in the Mirror 13
Toehider - This Conversation Is Over // Look in the Mirror 14
Interlude: Rage/Excerpt by Michael Caine from Interstellar
Frost* - The Raging Against The Dying Of The Light Blues In 7/8 // Look in the Mirror 15
Dream Theater - The Shattered Fortress // Look in the Mirror 16
Sieges Even - When Alpha and Omega Collide // Look in the mirror 17
Queensrÿche - Eyes Of A Stranger // Look in the mirror: Epilogue
Enchant - Look Away
Everon - Brief Encounter
Emerson, Lake & Palmer - Knife Edge
Kansas - Windows
Kings X - Everybody knows a bit of something
Magnum - Road to Paradise
Dazed & Confused; "Alright, alright, alright..."
Rush - Subdivisions
Ark - Center Ave.
Powermad - Plastic Town
Ion Vein - Static Vision
Fates Warning - Static Acts
The Who - Eminence Front
The Pursuit of Happyness; " . . . and then I never became"
Kings X - Blue
Kansas - Hold On
Yes - Hold On
Argent - Hold Your Head Up
Emerson Lake & Palmer - Better Days
Enchant - Once a Week
Pursuit Of Happyness; "You want something, go get it!"
Fates Warning - White Flag
Triumph - Never Surrender
Queensrÿche - Best I Can
Rush - Best I Can
Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dyin', That's Goddamn Right...
Styx - Great White Hope
Queen - Headlong
Rainbow - The Shed (Subtle)
Fates Warning - Simple Human
Beardfish - Where The Rain Comes In
Klaatu - The Loneliest Creature/Prelude
The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
America - Lonely People
Genesis - Man On The Corner
Queensrÿche - Lady Jane
Blackfield - Glow
Opeth - Hours of Wealth
Blackfoot - Searchin'
Y&T - Winds Of Change
Triumph - Stranger in a Strangeland
Iron Maiden - Stranger in a Strangeland
Dream Theater - Hell's Kitchen / Lines in the Sand
Kansas - Miracles out of Nowhere
Yes - Be the One
- a. "The One"
- b. "Humankind"
- c. "Skates"
Saga - All Will Change #1
Ken Nordine - It's going to Rain
Genesis - Guide Vocal // Part VI: The Voices Prelude
Manfred Mann's Earth Band - Hello, I Am Your Heart // The Voices 1
Russ Ballard - Voices // The Voices 2
Joe Walsh - The Confessor // The Voice 3
Queensrÿche - The Voice Inside // The Voices 4
The Police - Voices Inside My Head // The Voices 5
Rush - The Enemy Within // The Voices 6
Saga - The Sound Of Strangers // The Voices 7
Billy Joel - Pressure // The Voices 8
Queen - Under Pressure (featuring David Bowie) // The Voices 9
Black Sabbath - Falling Off The Edge Of The World // The Voices 10
Dream Theater - Panic Attack // The Voices 11
Megadeth - Sweating Bullets // The Voices 12
Metallica - The Frayed Ends Of Sanity // The Voices 13
Trouble - Long Shadows Fall // The Voices 14
Saga - Snake Oil // The Voices 15a
Saga - We hope you're feeling better #1 (The Test) // The Voices 15b
Dio - Don't Talk To Strangers // The Voices 16
Kansas - No Room for a Stranger // The Voices 17
Jefferson Starship - Stranger // The Voices 18
Riverside - Out Of Myself // The Voices 19
Everon - Carousel // The Voices 20
Queensrÿche - The Whisper // The Voices 21
Opeth - Voice Of Treason // The Voices 22
Dream Theater - Repentance // The Voices 23
- "VIII Regret"
- "IX Restitution"
Forever After - Dreamflight // The Voices 24
Cellar Darling - Challenge
Enchant - Distractions // The Voices 25
Phil Collins - In The Air Tonight // The Voices 26
Poets of the Fall - Can You Hear Me // The Voices 27
Deep Purple - Perfect Strangers // The Voices 28
Dream Theater - A Mind Beside Itself // The Voices 29
I. Erotomania (instrumental)
II. Voices
III. The Silent Man
Saga - No Stranger (Chapter Eight) // The Voices 30
Genesis - Duke's Travels/Duke's End // The Voices 31
Laundry - 19 // The Voices 32
Pink Floyd - The Trial // The Voices/Wall Reprise: Epilogue
Saga - All Will Change #2
Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun
Spock's Beard - Hiding Out
Queensrÿche - Anybody Listening?
Part VII: Asia - Fanfare For The Common Man (Live)
Saga - Heaven can Wait
Iron Maiden - Heaven can Wait
Black Sabbath - Die Young
Dream Theater - The Glass Prison
Gojira - Silvera
Roger Hodgson - Had a Dream (Sleeping With the Enemy)
Fleetwood Mac - Oh Well (Live 1980)
The Who - Who Are You
Say Anything; Lloyd Dobler explains what he wants to do with his life
Magnum - The Word
Boston - The Man I'll Never Be
Enchant - Shell Of A Man
Kim Mitchell - That's a Man
Spock's Beard - The Man You’re Afraid You Are
Yes - The Man You Always Wanted Me To Be
Todd Rundgren - Real Man
The Neal Morse Band - The Similitude of a Dream
Brian Wilson - Surf's Up
Rush - Animate
Tal Wilkenfeld - Under the Sun
Fates Warning - Nothing left to say
The Pursuit Of Happyness; Ending scene: Office :')
Rush - One Little Victory
Todd Rundgren/Utopia - Just One Victory
Voyager - I Am the Revolution
Enchant - The Thirst
Frost* - Black Light Machine
Flying Colors - Shoulda Coulda Woulda
Vanderhoof - 40 Days Down
Angel-A; He finds his courage
The Who - Had Enough
Rush - The Pass
Threshold - Staring at the Sun
Gardenian - Tell the World I'm Sorry
Nevermore - Insignificant
Darkwater - Alive (Pt. II)
Dream Theater - Untethered Angel
Soundgarden - Fell On Black Days
Mike Keneally - Weekend
Saga - The Cross #1
Adrian Belew - Inner Revolution
Kim Mitchell - Go for Soda
Three Dog Night - Easy To Be Hard
Rush - Everyday Glory
Opeth - Pyre
Alan Parson's Project - Breakdown
Styx - I'm OK
Neal Morse - Alive Again
Dream Theater - New Millennium
Yes - Endless Dream
a.) Silent Spring (Instrumental)
b.) Talk
c.) Endless Dream
Steve Hackett - Brand New
Fates Warning - Monument
Prototype - Chrysalis
Rush - Middletown Dreams
Triumph - Hold On
Spock's Beard - From The Darkness
Mystery - One Among the Living
Dream Theater - Octavarium
- "I. Someone Like Him"
- "II. Medicate (Awakening)"
- "III. Full Circle"
- "IV. Intervals"
- "V. Razor's Edge"
Frost* - Milliontown
Saga - The Victim #2 / Part 10
Saga - One Small Step / Part 11
Saga - Sam's new Friend / Part 12
Triumph - All the Way
Kansas - Opus Insert
RTZ - Face the Music
Petra - Beat the System
John Farnham - You're The Voice
Queen - I Want It All
Steve Vai - Viv Woman
Say Anything; "Where's the ding?"
Kings X - Alright
Devin Townsend Project - Awake!!
Styx - Grand Finale
Queensrÿche - Someone Else
Rising Moon; "Joe versus the Volcano"
Celestial Navigations - The Wimp
Fates Warning - Heal Me
Dream Theater - Hollow Years
Magnolia OST; Aimee Mann - Wise Up
Riverside - OK
Pat Travers - (I Just Wanna) Live It My Way
Rush - We Hold On
Dylan Marlais Thomas - Do not go gentle into that good night; by Sir Anthony Hopkins
Hans Zimmer; Interstellar OST - No Time for Caution (Organ/Film version)
Spock's Beard - The Great Nothing
- I. "From Nowhere"
- II. "One Note"
- III. "Come Up Breathing"
- IV. "Submerged"
- V. "Missed Your Calling"
- VI. "The Great Nothing"
Shooting Star - Last Chance
Rush - Marathon
Iron Maiden - The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner
Kansas - Carry on Wayward Son
Edge of Reality - Wasteland
Kings X - Faith Hope Love
Trouble - All Is Forgiven
Dream Theater - Surrounded
Everon - Bridge
The Beatles - A Day In The Life
Queen - We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions
Dream Theater - Only A Matter of Time
Boston - Don't Look Back
Pain of Salvation - Vocari Dei . . . :'(
Somewhere - Lullaby for the Common Man
See lyrics AT the video/track page :)
Yes - Awaken
Devin Townsend Project - Universal Flame
Saga - Chances Are #2 / Part 13 End
Rush - The Sphere
Henryk Górecki - Symphony no. 3, op. 36: i. lento - Sostenuto tranquillo ma cantabile /excerpt from the
film; Fearless (1993) OST conducted by Maurice Jarre
Spock's Beard - To Breathe Another Day
Klaatu - The Loneliest of Creatures: So said the lighthouse keeper/Hope
Journey - Wheel in the Sky
Devin Townsend Project - Awake!
Fates Warning - The Road Goes On Forever
Dio - This is Your Life
Emerson Lake & Palmer - Fanfare For The Common Man/Finale (Live 2010)
For Anthony
Translucent and so surreal, my scars just fade away.
A passion play of shadows sings a midnight serenade.
The rush of guilt for all my thoughts comes to light as another day."
- Arch/Matheos
Opeth - Burden
Arch/Matheos - Midnight Serenade
Rush - Afterimage
Iced Earth - Watching Over Me
Anathema - Are You There?
Kevin Gilbert - Song for a dead Friend
John Tavener - Funeral Canticle
Opeth - Weakness & Ending Credits
Monty Python - Look On The Bright Side Of Life (All Things Dull And Ugly)
fin.
"From where I stand at the crossroads edge,
There's a path leading out to sea.
And from somewhere
Deep in my mind,
Sirens sing out loud
Songs of doubt
As only they know how.
But one glance back reminds, and I see,
Someone else not me.
I keep looking back
At someone else
... me?
- Queensrÿche/"Someone else"
"People in prayer for me
Everyone there for me
Sometimes I feel I should face this alone
...My soul exposed
It calms me to know that I won't!"
- Dream Theater/"Scarred"
~ A companion piece ~
Chapter 6: "Brought to you by the letter "i"
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2DU3TBNutEeW2NezgCH4WlKqHGwzlREX
Chapter 7: "Take Wing!"
And...
Requiem: For those we have lost . . .
~ click on image ~
and "Chester".