Part 1
This was to be the 1st of the series of "Playlist/Essays", but others took presidence and this one is quite personal, as I never "officially" put it up anywhere but here. But things have changed for late November in 2016 and for 2017, and I'd been depressed about all the contention here in the States and among friends from all over the world (its a shame, I saw what was coming on this and another essay I was working on, and turned out to be right), but I have also been disappointed that people can be so judgemental
and hostile.
It's a time that that people look at others by what "flags" they wave, instead of finding out what we are inside, with our own "individual" points of view, instead of assuming you or I are terrible people :(.
I had enough on my own plate to deal with, while trying to move forward.
So I may delete, re-edit and re-do some of the things I talk about, but the "Opeth Weather" lingers on, as I
try to get through another year, and deal with personal issues.
Please take your time in reading and listening to the music, instead of taking it all in in one go.
And lookout for those active words to click on.
Thank you folks :).
Sitting in place from the dead
Awaiting the face of the moon to ascend
You follow the siren in your head"
- Opeth
Conceptual Introduction . . .
― William Shakespeare, Macbeth
~ Listen to the dark ~
Monochrome: beyond shades of gray
Let me preface something to you before you continue. I want you to reflect when you are down, sad, feeling sometimes like the world is crashing down on you; how do you deal with it?
You may just deal with it internally and privately and say fuck it, I just put it away and move forward. Others take it and become angry and lash out at the world. Some hide it from others and inside they are afraid to share it because they think no one will care, or they will say things like; "It's not the end of the world, just deal with it" - "stop dwelling on the past, its gone, move forward and leave it behind", or it will scare others away, or annoy them.
Though it is ironic when put in a different context; if someone kept it all inside, and did something terrible, or to themselves, their friends and family would say; "Why didn't he say anything to anyone? - Why didn't she reach out to us?". And so it goes - But don't go there, live with the feeling and knowledge someone out there cares for you. Always remember artists, musicians, writers, creatives and deep thinkers have tragic/tortured lives it seems, it makes them better creative minds, more depth and personality.
If you don't know what to do in life to make it better, "search" and seek for it. Take life in both hands and look for that elusive pearl. Find your bliss :).
"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek"
- Dr. Joseph Campbell
Some dwell in its darkness, some embrace it, some share it to those that will listen hoping to find answers, and they will help as much as they can to ease the sorrow, or some just need to vent. There are so many reasons why we can find ourselves in this chasm, we dwell in the void, in the now. As if there is no tomorrow or any way to crawl out. It just seems hopeless.
Is it a job you hate, a person you have to deal with, a confession, the loss of someone, a situation or obstacle to move forward, a relationship gone sour or in need of repair, family problems, past mistakes, something you've done that you regret?
Mine could be all the above. At any given time I have taken it, buried it and moved on, other times I need to get it out or came over me in a cold rush of memory. Sometimes I'm a grumpy old fart, or just moody, but I try, really try not to take it out on anyone around me. Sometimes life just seems too much, but I get up, do my best to face the day. It could be because I need to get out, I need to work, or simply because of habit.
Though I must point out, even through all the things I've had to deal with, people that are close to me know that I'm usually a happy person, sometimes silly and joking around. I do love to laugh and I'm blessed to have people around me with a great sense of humor :).
So remember your sense of humor, don't dwell in the dark too long and make sure you let your friends and loved ones know that you are always there for them . . .
But also remember, no matter if alone or among friends, WE ourselves are the only ones who can get us off the brink. Believe me, to share and hope that friends will understand and have a little bit of sympathy is soothing to know, but they can only do so much. If you're in a relationship, its understood that each holds the other up, you lean on my back as I lean on yours. Nurturing each other and encouraging each other is
part and parcel of being together. But we need to figure out what will move us forward, and be open enough to let others in, to know that we will be okay. That we will be here waiting while souls, hearts and minds mend.
"Is that kind of an occupational hazard for soul mates? One's not much without the other?"
- Robin Williams/What dreams may come
What you read below is what I have been going through. I'm a bit scared to share it (originally started writing this in June 7, 2016) honestly. But I also want you to know that I may have the same frustrations and experiences that you can relate to. You may find that you are not alone out there.
I may frustrate you and you'll want to run SCREAMING, but you may feel something in your own plight, a view of the world, personal love or sadness that you thought no one would understand. So maybe you can listen to the playlists while you read :). You'll find the Playlist tracklists and links in chapters 3, 4 and 5 (Entrance I, II, and III).
The soothing sounds of . . .
Much like watching sad movies when in a certain mood, these musics seem the only way to soothe the feeling, and in many ways uplifting. Music has always been a saving grace, somehow their gifts of music were blessed by something higher (that's what I believe anyway), and then it was given to us to know we are NOT alone. Of course I have a few playlists that help me cope and fight forward, to lift me up and empower me. But this one happens to embrace the sadness to somehow release it at the same time, this is just one catalogue of many, of songs that help within the melancholy.
I hope this all makes sense. So read on and I hope it doesn't frustrate or bore you to tears. I use the word "hope" a lot, because I believe there is a lot of it in the end :).
The spirit of imagination can lead us through the dark;
The more we see, the more we try, the more we show.
The evidence of our confusion, life has left its mark;
The more we fear, the more we lie, the more we hide."
- Yes
Prologue:
Chapters of nocturnal movements ~ a creation in melancholy
~ So please take your time in reading and listening ~
The CD series was probably one of my most played favorites, as its relaxing tones and many with its exceptional musicianship, soothing melodies or its aggressive dark atmospheres were enough to get me through the day. These compilations also get me to expand my collection to fill in the concepts with new or older bands I missed, and a way to absorb songs on an album. But this theme was created during a time where I was living hand to mouth. I stopped the old impulse to buy CD's before eating or paying bills - feeding the "addiction" as it were. It was also to escape the pain, self-esteem issues, brewing troubles in my life and enduring family issues. Music was always my solace, my sanctuary when I couldn't occupy my time with art. It was my escape.
So I had to rely on my collection at arms length, or I gave in when a freelance gig came and I bought CD's I needed to fit a particular concept, or finding something brand new.
When I no longer had access to my collection because of my living situation and putting it all in storage 4 years ago (with a smaller collection on my person, and new CD's sporadically bought - sometimes a year would go by without a purchase), I tried to figure out ways to keep myself entertained. That's when the YOUtube "Playlists" came in.
But what has changed, the concepts included various musics that fit the concept and more importantly, the flow of the music playback. It was important for the peaks and valleys came at the right time, so that the listener would stay to hear the next track to see where it was going, with hopes by the end they wanted more. The focus of the music was usually progressive and/or heavy (Metal, Progressive Rock, Prog Metal) but these particular playlists gave a chance for other musics to let it breathe, almost an interlude before the aggression or virtuosic musicianship.
These other musics seem to fit nicely between to enhance the melancholie I wanted to achieve on this themed series which was more based on the "sound" of the music, not its lyrical content. Though I usually find somesort of clip from a film etc. to put in-between tracks, but for the most part, the songs tell the story, each with its own visuals left to the listener for interpretation.
These playlists became a great way to share music that possibly people had not heard before, or introduce bands to fans of Progressive and Metal music that they might have missed in their searches for something new.
Deep into my room
At the tapestries all faded
Their vague and distant glories
Concealed in the gloom
The icy fingers of forgotten passions
Softly brushing my lips
At the tips of my primitive soul"
- Black Sabbath
Chapter 1: Life Stories with a soundtrack
~ yet another cautionary tale ~
"Looking through my window, I seem to recognize, all the people passing by
But I am alone, and far from home, nobody knows me . . ."
- Opeth
Of late I have been in a state of "funk", being that for the last 3+ years I haven't been drawing anything, for gigs or myself. I had lived with my family for a bit too long again because lack of work living in Pasadena, a time that was a rocky one but it was the last place all my own and was able to take long midnight strolls
through the city, and walk among the beautiful lighted City Hall admiring its beauty, but feeling a bit alone (making a stop at the beautiful "All Saints Episcopal Church" across the street during the day and early evenings, making important prayers, mostly by myself, and where organists often practiced), and then walk through the unusual walkways and hidden courtyards of its adjacent buildings.
Just when I thought I found home, I blew it. I had tastes of success in my older adult life but I just could not
hold on. I reflect on where I was and what I could have done, and it amazes me I am alive.
. . . how did I let myself fall apart, and let people down that meant so much to me?
After a few years with my family, it was enough to drive me on the edge. I walked on eggs with every step in that house, trying to be "invisible", so that I could just focus on what needed to be done, went to a 9 to 5 job I hated, then after, the few gigs that kept my hopes afloat.
I had overstayed my welcome beyond its limits, I had gotten an ultimatum, to be out in the streets or needed to find a job "now", but was given a date to leave. I've worked soo many various types of jobs it's hard to keep track; dirty, monotonous, 1st shift/2nd shift/graveyard, food industry, warehouse, stocking, shipping & receiving (and the back and neck problems I'd gain), but couldn't find anything. Just about any interview I could get, they would say the same thing; "it seems you are too overqualified to work here", they asked about the gaps in my employment, so I had to talk at length that I also worked as a freelance artist.
Another red flag, what if I found another art related job, why would I want to stick around making
minimum wage? So I didn't come off as some guy off the street who would just take orders and do
anything asked without question . . . even though no matter how smart (ha! smart) I was, the fact remained that I was still unemployed. I didn't want to live at "home", I wanted to be back on my own, no roommates to answer to, and prepare my life with the woman that I love (at the time).
The only resources I used at home was electricity for light and my laptop, occasionally my iMac-G4 for art gigs, the fridge preserved my food, and I took showers. No matter what chores I did inside and out, no
matter how clean I kept things, or didn't watch TV, or not play music loudly, clean up after the dogs I loved soo much, being polite and respectful to my family without talking back or taking advantage of them
(other than being there) and paying for my own food, it wasn't enough. Many times getting into mind-
fucked arguments, no encouragement on anything, being barked at, being looked at with disdain and
feeling very small. If I talked back it was in defense, to feel like a "man" standing up for himself, not a
scolded child. I couldn't just stand there and take the abuse.
Note: 2017
This paragraph was filled with a rant (as if the rest isn't a rant) about how my Mom had treated me just a few years ago. I felt bad about it, even though at the time it all happened, it was very painful to me. When you are in a situation when threats of getting "kicked out" into the street because steady work isn't coming in was part of every scolding, and there is a threshold of anger, it is hard to bear and you can only take so much. But if you also keep it all inside, you WILL drive yourself mad - If you cease feeling like an adult and you are diminished, feeling like a child; dignity, self-respect and hope is dashed. You will feel like garbage, you almost want to be beaten to a pulp because you want to feel all that pain, because we start to believe "we deserve it".
Recently, I had to put an end to it, I can't feel that rage of anger toward my own mother :(. If she wants to rage against me, then I need to leave the moment. But I put my foot down (without the details) and needed her to think about it all, give US space to breathe and really look at ourselves and what good will all this anger bring?
Or it will be yet another regret as it was with me and my Father.
So far, things are a bit better, I don't know when I'll totally feel confidant about it, but its a start. We only have so much time left in our lives, we really need to remember that and heal ourselves. We MUST move forward and find the love that was lost, or we will carry this ache to our graves.
make my escape (I put a stop to it about a month ago. Had to tell her I won't be treated like that any
longer). I was so desperate, that I sought counseling at near-by fellowship, which helped in prayer (that
involved a teary "forgiveness" of my experiences as a child in Louisiana and the way I was treated in
Catholic School) but it was more of a reinforcement of being independent and taking the leap.
A few months before, my Mom thought I'd reject going with her to see a counselor, but I was enthusiastic to go! After many weekly sessions, it was obvious that my councilor saw what I'd been going through with
my Moms hot and cold behavior, and the contradictions in what she'd say and do. She was also going to
quit the sessions because what she was finding out that she, for the most part, was being overly
worrisome, stressing herself out for no reason and treating me wrongly, unfairly. The last session, in front of my mother after witnessing more of her nonsense - leaned into me and said;
"Do what you need to do and go live your own life".
I needed steady work (ironically, I was trying to finish a full-feature storyboard gig, which my mom never took seriously) and a place to live so I took an offer from a friend that seemed like a Godsend in timing. But it was also in that year that the work was far and few between, so I felt stuck in the middle of nowhere (it was a mixed blessing, partly it was a step in the wrong direction). I fell into a state of apathy, and each day would bleed into the next, often not knowing what day it was.
Let it fly, let it all come back in due time, if it was meant to be
But that doesn't soothe anything that dwells inside this cage I built"
But the overwhelming guilt I lived with - that my life was going nowhere. Gigs were almost nil, but more work started to come with the 9 to 5 job with my friend and that kept me afloat.
Regrets and mistakes, all my own . . .
The city I live in is a bit of a cultural vacuum. It's out in the boonies of Southern California. I imagine its like a kid that lived here all his life and he couldn't wait for college to escape and see the world. It has its retirees, upper and lower middle class and a few sketchy neighborhoods with shady characters. And a few miles above go from farm lands patched together, seedy to well maintained Trailer Parks, to "Estates" with multi-billion dollar homes and "wine country" where people escape the Orange County and Los Angeles hustle and bustle.
Though my problem was that I have lived all over SoCal and lived in super nice communities (and sketchy ones), either with similar struggles or success, that I loved taking walks or bicycling through. If I thought the city where I lived with my immediate family was the boonies, I was awakened that it could be much worse. So I tasted life out there, it gave me the want of more.
The home that I live in had its share of mind boggling madness as well. I had to swallow it, spit it out, or endure it. If it was the coming and going of 3 roommates with troubled pasts (1 who regressed to an emaciated alcoholic/meth addict who threatened the roommate/homeowner often and me 3 different times with a knife, who I finally had to "take down". Surprisingly the police could do nothing, but eventually was kicked out by legal means through the City), to the other "odd" situations I had to live with. And then deal with the "heat" in this high desert town.
But then I had an awful epiphany, it was like a kick in the gut. I realized that my girlfriend did not deserve to go through all that, while worrying about her immediate life and trying to move forward. It was too much of a burden to put more weight on her shoulders. I was wrong to make her feel helpless and worry about me so much :(.
Depression, anxiety, to keeping it all together, believing in myself and keeping faith has been my strongest ally. But I go up and down, its hard when self-pity keeps you down, "woes me" gets tiring for all those around you I'm sure, and it gets tiring for myself to look in the mirror and make fun of that reflection. It's nobody's fault but mine . . . I have had to own up to it many times. My girl had her self doubts as well, but I always encouraged her, I knew she could conquer her own fears and find success :).
All I ever wanted is for her to be happy, feel that someone really loved her with no deception, no doubts
and to feel safe, secure and open to share anything.
The few concerts, trips, lunches/dinners during or after work, art gigs out of town and the job taking me and my boss out of this forsaken city are kind of breaks from the monotony and it kept my mind occupied. I tried to save what I could for the vacations I (we) could afford to see my love that were short, but seemed like a "lifetime" filled with joy, and many moments that I will always cherish. Again, its hard to believe we have been together for 3 years.
Gosh, those days and nights were soo damn wonderful with her sharing things I've always wanted to share, and to do what she wanted. She filled my heart where others failed, she made me happy, we seemed both happier than we had ever been throughout our lives :).
But I, me, I needed to progress, for myself, for her, for US. I was letting time pass without trying harder.
thoughts remain without an answer
Afraid and uninvited
he slowly drifts away . . ."
- Dream Theater
Christmas came in 2015, the days following had bad news that made my heart sink, I was blindsided (but
more-so was my girl's life in spades). There seemed to be nothing I could do about it but hoped that
feelings would change and that the break she needed to re-assess her life would ease the pressure. But days turned to weeks, then months. And in a blink of an eye, more than a year passed.
It has been a gut-wrenching time for me. There was a time that we talked so-much each day and night for
hours, joking, laughing and longing for each other, and now hearing nothing has been very hard to bear.
It's a sorrow of another kind I have never felt before because this is a love I never gave to anyone except my Christ - whom I've prayed about this over and over. It's a missing part of my heart living a half-life. A
ghost limb, another part of me. Gone, at-least I thought for the time being. Time turns to years, and you
realize like a smack to the head . . . you may have blown it. That it really is gone for good.
I had nothing to help, I was stuck in this rock, I had nothing to make my life or her life better, so what good was I :(.
And within these months I put myself down to pencil and paper to start the new year with creative a "bang"! I had to work at it, to get me out of my slump, a sort of kick in the ass. To my surprise I created page after page of super detailed drawings for a (former) best friends script that he finished as a full-feature screenplay. An epic Sci-Fi adventure that he wrote many years before "Elysium", and the same director he wanted for his story, as well as one of the actors to play the hero of the movie.
2017: A time to move on . . .
With all that I have been through in this town, this house, and what I have "lost", I can not continue down this road. Even though I feel like I have been in a coma, in neutral, I just can't do this any longer.
The art in me has been dead, it still breathes in things I want to do in my head, but the only way I can see it all coming back to life, is a long term job that I'm under duress. If I'm hired on someplace, its "do it or lose it".
So I'm on that quest, not huge steps but with help from someone who has worked in the Film Industry who may have some connections, who also endorses my art (along with my boss/friend in carpet cleaning) and will put in a good word. Though I can't presume that my life will make a complete turnaround out of the blue. I just have to take it for what it is and what may come. All this adversity has to work in my favor correct? Its given me courage, strength and patience, that I can conquer anything, yet still be vital and work with anyone that is willing to give me my chance to shine and be a great, personable team member.
I hope and pray that I (we) get the opportunity to show them what I got and awaken my creativity again :).
Director providing new gigs of Storyboards and Conceptual Designing, I have started to get that funk
again. The terrible heatwave, having to go back to the 9 to 5 routine and with each month losing the hope that the "other" situation would get better (a roller coaster of hope, anger, sorrow, and regrets, I should
have done more), that I would be able to move closer to LA and start looking into smaller gigs to
supplement my life as bigger gigs came in. To show that I could sustain this life with action and provide for a future (as another storyboard gig from an ad I answered is on the way as well - which now looking back in 2018, turned out to be a nightmare, and turned off that "light" of creativity).
I'm feeling stuck again, the sadness laying on me like a warm blanket and the foundations I started to
make, feel like they are falling all around me, and I keep asking why I lived this long through all the
weirdness and questionable situations? Why did it take so long to find the one thing I wanted most of my life and I was left to "fade away"? Taking that warm blanket and hiding from the light, overly pondering
the thoughts like a hammer to my head . . .
Don't you ever stop and wonder if there's something more? Do you really mean to tell me that you're satisfied?
Are you for real or are you going through the motions?"
- Kansas
f e a r.
wore like a cheap suit until I wore it out till it was threadbare, until I was on the ledge when I wasn't afraid anymore and took the leap, and when things got bad I wrapped myself in its embrace again. When things got better, "it" crawled back out because I didn't think I deserved happiness. Well I'm older and getting
older - I need to read all the previous words over and over till I'm not afraid to walk outside and tackle challenges and stop feeling so helpless, or use that fear in reverse to push me forward.
How am I going to do it? I don't know, but I have to make the change, I can't feel agoraphobic, fearing the unknown until I take action, and then deal with it as it all comes. YOU must as well, take the step outside, outside yourself, encourage those you love and step out with them side by side. If you have no one, do it for yourself without anger or bitterness to those you think hold you down, but remember the reflection in the mirror, that's the person to take vengeance against who's held you back more than anyone else . . .
"When the dust has cleared, and victory denied, a summit too lofty, river a little too wide
If we keep our pride - Though paradise is lost, we will pay the price, but we will not count the cost"
- Rush
Within all those years, I had to find something to do, so after leaving Pasadena to reluctantly be with my family, I started making playlists on YOUtube since I had no access or freedom to make compilation CD's from my collection of music. With only this year (2016) getting back into drawing as much as I could with gigs that would trickle in. The playlists and this Blog helped with what little "creativity" I was able to express. So when art wasn't filling the time, I delved deeper into the music I enjoyed and wanting to share my experiences - I guess, in a different way.
And my playlist themes would grow and I am constantly adding tracks to older ones. Within all the trials and falling piano's I'd dodge, I needed something creative to focus on. So these compilation CDs and Playlists were born to get me through it all, to keep my sanity, to keep me going, to inspire.
And . . . I was able to share them with my facebook friends and my love, who also enjoyed the music, or I made playlists specifically for her and we listened together :).
~ Chiaroscuro ~
Chapter 2: Where worlds collide
Take another look, take another ride, can't we make them leave the hate behind"
- Nevermore
The world as we (think we) know it . . .
We live in a very cynical time, so many are angry at each other, and extraneous elements creep-in the psyche and become catalysts for doubt, fear and resentment. The world is growing more cold, and the judgements on everyone seem louder, angrier, disrespectful, superior, evasive, incendiary, divisive, contradictory and more hypocritical (even violent!). Preconceived notions and finger pointing, maybe even whispers in ears saying; "you don't belong", "you're a traitor", "he's not good enough", "you'll never amount to
anything" - If its person to person, if its your heritage, your beliefs, your lifestyle, your political party or status. Bigotry, perceptions and preconceptions comes in many forms and no one is immune. But we can all look in a mirror and face up to that reflection to make the change. THAT person needs to change 1st and foremost before criticizing without living in those other pair of shoes - you have to walk a mile to know what that person is going through. I hope to think I am an encouraging person, not discouraging the path forward for anyone, because why would I criticize when MY own life is messed up? But many people are doing this and people are berating others so they can rise up, feel superior. Judge, jury and executioner.
Everyone lives in their own miniature world where they make the rules, anyone outside of it must be a threat, or they just don't take the time to think about what's happening outside of it, and looking at the bigger picture because they are too wrapped up in their own issues (I am trying myself, trying to move ahead, trying to get out of this muck). We seem not to care if we hurt each other anymore.
But what are WE becoming? Though I try to stand up for those that don't fall in line or succumb to the malcontent, cruel, insensitive, malicious trolls and misanthropes in the world hiding behind computer screens who can't identify with anyone in the real word or have nothing creative to contribute. People can take this as being too "PC" or being too nice, but I just look at it as being polite. We get mobbed from all sides and the insults continue anyway. The ethical and virtuous are now the outsiders. Vulgarity is the internet speak and now its bleeding out into the real world as a way of communicating and for many its the way it is, the way of the norm, a way to fit in ("its just the way it is"). Turn the cheek - get run over.
The times we live, for those we lost . . .
And yet another shooting tragedy 6/12/16 (and in July 2016) - all sides yelling at each other, accusations flying like bullets and tearing us apart. Just finding out on 6/15/16 that a musician I admired; vocalist, keyboardist "Trent Gardner" of the band Magellan "died suddenly", who had lost his Brother Wayne, the guitarist for the band, by suicide in 2014. Yet another musician I highly admired to join the great orchestra in the sky (including; Allan Holdsworth, Keith Emerson, Greg Lake, Piotr Grudziński and John Wetton). And my friends Son, a week ago (June 2016) had a good friend get into a terrible car accident where he suffered only bruises, but hit a tree soo hard that it separated nerves from the brainstem to his spine, and had been in a coma all this time until they took him off life support. They buried him today :(.
Everyday someone has to deal with enough in front of them, yet how do we make time to yell at the world and people we don't know at all. I just don't get it. People have isolated themselves soo much, they have a
need to lashout, destroy, bring you down, no matter if you are young or old, you're just debris in the way, a
waste of space. Yet they can't see the reflection of the mirror, fogged in their pain.
"And I still believe in nothing, will we ever see the cure for our sorrow
Nothing is sacred when no one is saved, nothing's forever so count your days
Nothing is final and no one is real, pray for tomorrow and find your empty still"
- Nevermore
Something to nothing.
This world is losing its promise, its losing itself, what will it have for those being surrounded by fraudulent, dishonest and deceitful people and those that are soldiers to chaos? And here I sit, thinking too much and having my own problems when the world is too much for all of us. How blessed are those that have people to endure all this and grasp on to hope, they can embrace the ones they love and feel "life", not text that can be misunderstood. But feel what others feel, blood coursing through the veins of people who live, work and die. Not insulting each other from afar in a basement, or dark room illuminated by a screen, or screaming at each other, yelling questions no one can answer through the noise, with the want of only bashing each other's skulls-in because its my opinion, screw yours!
What was in front of me . . .
Too much for me to handle at this point, but it runs through my head everyday, even when I try to avoid the news. I have even avoided Facebook as much as possible to try to retain some sort of focus on what I need to do to get out of my own situation. And to avoid looking at the face that I miss so much that it pains me as if I were gut shot. I find myself in a "moment" out of the blue, at any given time I'm there, and then I can't help but sob and hang my head re-living the pain, embarresment.
So when a modicum of success and hope was getting me steps forward, I had no one to share it with, which has been the case most of my life - but I had someone that really cared what I did. But that was the whole point all along isn't it, I wanted to share this life to feel life, be a part of it. What's the use of facing the world alone, living in a vacuum?
So now I feel I'm in limbo, the void. I have been in a deep dark chasm of sadness that I can't seem to climb out of. I know that I will find myself again, I know there will be a door cracked open, and I'll open a new opportunity to make my living with joy and creativity, be happy with what I create and share.
But I wanted to share this with someone I gave ALL I had.
I was able to give songs that meant a lot to me, every song I found that expressed what I felt was my gift to give, and now I can never use for no one else because it was unique to this person, they are hers alone. I don't want to give it all up without a fight. But then it was gone without making my stand.
Though I had "worries" not living up to what I should, it was like an invisible hand grabbing my arm holding me back. An unnecessary "caution" of trust, because all that came before had their excuses why I wasn't good enough and didn't fit. I guess I felt like I would be a disappointment - but I should have been in the present . . . so it affected decisions because of self-doubt. It ruined moments, it ruined being out in the sun, to see the ocean, to enjoy the moment and share it to be there in that moment for her.
The sun was too intense, but I could have bared it for her. I burned myself anyway :(.
Maybe it was one mistake, maybe it was one of many. But I never wavered in that she has always been thee one, no one has ever come between, no temptations what-so-ever, she is and always will be my heart. My one piece of pride that she has been my one and only. Maybe in a world full of "guys" this is hard to believe for any woman, but this woman I love, is one I give my everything. She was the missing piece of the puzzle.
Now here I am in nowheresville. It reminds me of a hilarious old friend who would occasionally yell out; "We are on the K-Train to loserville!". I wish it would derail, I need to get off at the next depot or just jump off! Either break my neck, or dust myself off and try again.
Trying to crawl out alone as another record setting hot summer will burn me up, tire me out too soon and make it more miserable. Somehow someway I have to get out and find purpose again. I have creativity waiting to be tapped into with all the knowledge, imagination and experience to bring life to a Film project. And make my great escape before a new summer.
My heart stays dormant for love, because I gave and had so much more to pour out. The memories embedded that I remember our time with hilarious laughter, the thousand nicknames for each other, the funny emoticons :D and her voice, the gazing with the look of love in our eyes, has been the most satisfying and real thing I ever had - that those passing by, I may have looked but knew that they didn't matter, I had something REAL waiting for me, and wanted a future with me and loved me. And people who looked at us walking hand in hand could see the love between us, the chemistry, electricity, radio-waves between us (no matter the miles that parted us) and those gazes upon each other, I'd catch strangers smiling at us. And I thought it was only the beginning. I only hoped against all hope that another chapter would be renewed, to start something brand new. Fooling myself, denying to see the truth . . .
we spin as the highest star spins,
we get hearts on fire and in love
And sometimes we're too blind to see..."
- Kim Mitchell
~ Value: Light and Shade ~
Chapter 3: What we do in life. . .
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
The way I had been feeling from these past months, and all the madness and anger that has proliferated from this cursed "election" here in the U.S. where Americans fighting Americans has been super depressing. Blame can be given on all sides, and to those that look upon their fellow Americans with hate, disdain and faults without looking at themselves (I'm sure I've made my own judgements).
While many blame religion and how they perceive WE are, THEY in turn judge US. How does that work?
I know atheists and people of various beliefs who treat others with dignity and politeness, but are these just the people on the internet "judging" others behind closed doors? Who is poor enough, who is entitled, who isn't, they have facts and figures, you have facts and figures, no one changes, no one agrees, spew your arrogance, hatred, insults, racism (we seem to ALL be racists in the end, it's up to us to work on it and be better people so that we can get along and understand each other before we're at each others throats) status, what you have, what you don't, what you take advantage of, blame you, blame them, blame God,
blame the void, blame America. To what end? . . . nothing. Blame the reflection in the mirror! It doesn't lie.
It amounts to nothing when opinions are inundated on YOUtube, Facebook, Blogs, on-line magazines
and biased news organizations. What has the internet really done? Brought us closer or driven us farther
apart? If anything, it's exposed - cracks, weaknesses, faults, arrogance, apathy, misanthropy, bigotry,
disdain, bitterness - each making praises in one hand while the other tears down. Hopelessly human.
Everything is left to criticism, but with anger, misinformation.
As a person of faith, we live in a time where people make anyone who believes in a supreme being (sky
daddy, spaghetti monster orwhateveryoubelieve isn't there), a religion or faith, must be a "persecutor" of some sort. But what about the people that you actually know that believe in something? Are they being
violent towards anyone in any way, or YOU? I'm not forcing anyone to believe what I believe, yet I don't get what people are afraid of, or are THEY trying to save US? And what for? You, can also believe in nothing
but yourself, but why are people trying to "enlighten" us that nothing exists, except ourselves?
IF nothing exists, but blame God/Christ or any religion to all the wars in history, or other social disputes
of our time, that's kind of a oxymoron isn't it? And if there is no such thing as a deity, or if you remove
these gods from the equation . . . then all you are left with is "man". Isn't it the will of men for their
greed of power, manipulation and violence? Or keep blaming someone else for the things YOU choose to do?
This fear of people in government making decisions based on doctrine is really stupid, as if WE of faith would let them interpret doctrine and make decisions based on their preconceptions and all the while we have people making bad decisions without any faith, or the faith of "WE the People". Yet there are people that follow other doctrines that want us ALL to assimilate to their way of life, or we die.
So WHO are these types that want to do violence on anyone and force others to submit, to believe in what they want others to believe? My friends near and far who are made up of many colours and beliefs seem to want to discuss things, we may get a bit angry at each other but do we ever want to KILL?
That is something ALL need to ask themselves before wagging fingers at each other. The people "I"
personally know should be better than that. I get angry too, but I don't want you to die! And I don't want to "shove" my beliefs down your throat. I may share my stories and insights, but you don't need to adhere to them. I'm just talking with you, no need to run to the hills.
But looking to these candidates as saviours, leaders or organizations to help us out of the brink seems to me like "Idol Worship". It is the people that must change, WE must change to make this world a better
place. But YOU have to change yourself first, and that may take us all a lifetime.
. . . Indeed, is anything sacred?
We have forgotten to listen, discuss and show tolerance without impeding on each others values, morals, ethics and choices in life. YOU be who you want to be. We can believe what we want without
forcing others to think like YOU do. Or to attack, insult, spit at or beat to the ground because we can
disagree. The world is getting farther away, segregation and separation seems to be what leaders, radical groups and individuals want, and they want it in blood, by force, by law (again, if you think that's them,
not you, make sure. Look in the mirror and ask yourself what can you live with for the greater good, what can you compromise and tolerate so that WE all can live in peace?). How can we live without impeding on
the human rights of each individual so that we can coexist? And I don't mean the naivete' of a bumper
sticker but something realistic and tangible, dare I say, less idealistic (but - hopeful).
WE need to come together yet separate ourselves from those that DO want to harm us and wipe us all off the face of the earth - let THEM know that WE in solidarity, do NOT condone their intimidation and brutality, we will not sit idly by and let them harm others, or force their beliefs on us all to submit to their twisted
ideas. Or those who feel they are entitled that ALL of us cater to their superficial terms, when WE all should treat each other as just "people", not because you are special, a niche, or you believe that everyone should submit automatically to your point of view . . . why not look at each other as individual human beings that are all different, but we live together and meet in the middle. Where we respect those differences without forcing our way that may disrespect the other? Or has this precept died? Dead and buried.
I wish I could be prolific enough to express this importance of individuality instead of the hive mentality we are beginning to accept . . .
From my job, I see different people mingle with each other everyday, laughing, conversing and sharing like human beings with commonality. Children and teens all hanging out, enjoying each others company without judgement. When will What we have be the focus instead of What keeps us apart? What we can achieve instead of Who is keeping us down? Will those who want to stay in a box be the ones that speak the loudest? Those who have isolated themselves from the rest of the world speak for us that are already
living as a part of it (careful, again think of how our views can hinder other people's views)? Can we turn off the machines and face each other without soo much contempt from anonymity? Wave flags of separation
instead of unity while sharing our different cultures under one banner? Or do we choose to judge each
other these days with preconceptions and assuming we know everything about you?
And here we are with our own troubles as individuals we can't seem to fix, but we want to fix problems too big to solve for any one individual and NOW. Let us all think before we speak, or say nothing at all if it adds no benefit to humanity. Let us fix ourselves before others.
There is a lot of blame to go around, and those that blame extraneous circumstances caused by religion or the colour of skin, or the generation before or what was done hundreds or thousands of years ago are easier than looking at the reflection staring right back at them. They project what's inside to others-that they won't face, and the turmoil turned into embittered rage, jealousy and entitlement. WE will all burn before they are satisfied. No one will be safe from this utopia they envision. It is man that will destroy themselves, judging who will fit into the great ideal.
Apply all that to the everyday people you know and how we communicate with one another. I've seen those who, for a moment, become compassionate and acknowledge they were too opinionated or cruel, and then the next day or two, go back to old habits lashing out.
I want no part of it - I am what I have always been, a personable, humorous, a reasonable person with faults, far from perfect, but I greet people with the benefit of doubt that they are kind too. If the other has a problem with me, they just gave away who they really are. Wish them well - and I'll just move along. All I can do is live, live day to day with the circumstances I face. With all its obstacles I can only take one at a time, to keep treading towards my ambitions and goals. I'll be selfish and let the world burn while I try to put out the fires I can actually extinguish. But I'll do my best to make amends to those I owe my life to.
But how do we have the time to criticize others? WE all have soo many fires to put out everyday that we must feel empty, overwrought and burdened with already. We go through soo much that we all feel alone and maligned by others too. Trying to make the most we can through the madness, trying to stay honest and strong to handle what gets thrown at us. How is it we take all these outside elements to heart while trying to keep compassionate and understanding of others lives?
WE all need to step back and look at the bigger picture, but also take care of the things we can try to handle. There's just too much out there to answer right away and we need to push ourselves away from the garbage before we DROWN in it.
But don't forget the ones we love, don't forget we set the example for those who care for us, and may YOU see what those friends have been to you even with the differences of opinion, WE hold the key to humility, ethics, compassion, friendship and love. Help those that you can reach, they are closer than you think. But don't forget about yourself, and don't lower yourself to the level of those trying to take you down in the darkness. Reach for something higher and never stop. Look at your own hands, its all up to you, all that you build, realize how you treat yourself and those around you before its too late . . .
Holding the future with our hands (We carry the weight of the world we go)
It's up to you and I (We hold the key; we hold the answer)
. . . Let go"
- Yes
~ Pantone ~
Chapter 3
Epilogue: moments of musical escape
Esoteric Incarnations ~ 1st, 2nd & 3rd entrance
all days are in darkness and I'm biding my time,
once I am sure of my task I will rise
. . . again"
- Opeth
~The soundtrack of the esoteric~
Many of the songs do not particularly present the same meaning lyrically, but more of the mood. Audio-wise, its a continuation of the original themed CD's with its somber dim light.
Let me show them all
Tonight can be my night"
- Haken
Not to despair, to your end, but a beginning. When all shatters around you, its time to make a movement
in every aspect of your life forward and throw the sin, the ridicule of anything/everything THEY "think" you are, or the things that harm yourself, habits and secrets that are keeping you down. Throw them all far away, discarded like a virus, a disease you don't need, or even those that judge you too much. They are
trying to sell you their story, write your own, but do it for yourself, not for a vengeful heart.
They are just perceptions, no one knows you but YOU. If you are acknowledging your anger, the things you
regret, what hurts you, you are making your 1st steps to finding what you are able to be. Be strong, as much
as you can, as much as you need, but you will find you are probably stronger than you know. It WILL be
hard, but you can do whatever your mind sets out to do. Do whatever it takes to learn, to take a leap of faith
and think in new ways, out of your comfort zone of what to achieve, what you always wanted to be. Or to a
new place that you can use your skills in a different way.
The light will surely make way for you to succeed, believe in it, grasp it, and take it to heart, and it will
glow within and without, where people will see you shine. But most of all, yourself :).
The light you held is gone
And although people change
I know it can't be far
The light and shade of things
And I can't understand
How one is more important
Than the other"
- Fates Warning/"The Light and Shade of Things"
Esoteric Incarnations ~ 1st entrance . . .
And carry them away
Nature seems to spin
A supernatural way
Mystic rhythms - under city lights
Or a canopy of stars
We feel the powers
And we wonder what they are"
- Rush
- Track Titles have links to lyrics, with the possibility of Info to the track with an external link to the lyrics etc. found in "track titles".
- If it is an instrumental or Soundtrack Score (OST), it may have info of the band on link.
- Each track may have additional info, other factoid/citation on a personal note.
- Chapter I has a variation of the CD version "nocturnal movement I". CD's usually run up to 90 min., so
here I have an opportunity to present longer playlists. Many of my YOUtube playlists go past 200 tracks,
but this one I wanted to keep short so that the listener can digest the theme easier. The sadness and
melancholia could be a bit too much in one sitting as well ;). So I have broken up the playlist into 2
chapters, each having 25+ tracks.
- Chapter II was made up of a few songs from another CD but mostly is a brand new collection that I had
never put on CD. I hope all find something new and beautiful to listen to. May it soothe you and take you
away from the toils of the everyday.
- Thank you for reading and listening :).
Be sure to link to Part II at very bottom.
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2DU3TBNutEf4T3QJTlqcLqW23k-RCgJm
Chapter I: 1st Entrance
1. Thomas Newton/Road to Perdition OST - Road to Chicago
One of my fave soundtracks, but this particular track hits me in the gut at times. Reminds me of my late Father for some reason, even though he was from Central America. But Chicago for other reasons is very close to my heart, yet also breaks it.
2. Opeth - Windowpane
3. Blackfield - Blackfield
4. Heart - Sylvan Song/Dream of the Archer
5. Fates Warning - Something from Nothing
6. Dead Soul Tribe - Some Things You Can't Return
7. Porcupine Tree - Gravity Eyelids
8. Genesis - Mama
9. Office of Strategic Influence (OSI) - Hello, Helicopter!
10. The Gathering - Analog Park
11. King Crimson - One Time
12. Dream Theater - Lifting Shadows Off A Dream*
I always seem to put the next 2 tracks together, as if the 3 were meant for each other.*
13. Rush - Mystic Rhythms*
14. Yes - The More We Live-Let Go*
15. Peter Gabriel - Mercy Street
16. Riverside - The Curtain Falls
17. Soen - Canvas
18. Katatonia - July
19. Paradise Lost - Tragic Idol
20. Peter Murphy - Marlene Dietrich's Favourite Poem
21. Kevin Moore - Wednesday The Sky
22. Anathema - Internal Landscapes
23. Tori Amos - China
24. Opeth - Hours of Wealth
25. Vic Stevens' Mistaken Identities - Would You Like To Dance?
26. Steve Hackett - Skye Boat Song
Chapter II: 1st Entrance
27. Harry Gregson-Williams/Kingdom of Heaven OST - France 1186
Yet another fave soundtrack. I used to listen to this one a lot going to a job that I hated :p. But the music gave me hope, made me feel like a Knight fighting against a foe, and that my virtues would pay off :).
28. In the Silence - Beneath these falling leaves
29. Atrocity - Calling The Rain
30. Dead Can Dance - The Host Of Seraphim
31. Orphaned Land - The Path Part I: Treading through darkness
A tear-jerker for me, if its the lyrics or the beautiful melodies it very much pulls at my heartstrings.
32. Harmony - Silently We Fade
33. Nevermore - Believe In Nothing
34. This Mortal Coil - Dreams Made Flesh
35. The Fall Of Every Season - Sole Passenger
36. Trees Of Eternity - Black Ocean
37. Daylight Dies - Dreaming of Breathing
38. In Mourning - Below Rise To The Above
39. Agalloch - Dark Matter Gods
40. Novembers Doom - Leaving This
41. Saturnus - A Lonely Passage
42. Amorphis - Shining
43. Eluveitie - A Rose For Epona
A very moving song, yet another that brings me to tears. With an interesting back story.
44. My Dying Bride - I Cannot Be Loved
45. Autumn - Scarecrow
46. Trouble - Flowers
47. Opeth - A Fair Judgement
48. Alcest - Les Voyages De L'Âme
49. 7 Days - Fall again
50. Fates Warning - The Light And Shade Of Things
51. Ulver - Østenfor sol og vestenfor maane
*hidden tracks - I usually did this on my CD versions. I tracked-in long periods of silence (approx. 6 second tracks of silence that would fit on any given CD) to a hidden track as a surprise to the listener. Especially if listening on headphones.
All the hope and glory, all the sacrifice in vain
If love remains...
Though everything is lost, we will pay the price,
But we will not count the cost"
- Rush
Chapter 4
Esoteric Incarnations ~ 2nd entrance . . .
You should maybe think about a reason in your own mind
You've already gone.
Evolve."
- Devin Townsend Project
- Chapter II The track "Noon" from the Leon: The Professional Soundtrack (OST) originally started the CD "nocturnal movement I", and is a completely new playlist along with a few tracks from the original "nocturnal movements II" - but in December of 2017 has been slightly altered. New tracks have been added and others moved to other playlists. Chapter II now starts off with a piece from Richard Wagner, that was also used in a pivotal moment in the film "Excalibur".
. . . I hope you enjoy :).
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2DU3TBNutEdU948fSJKd-JhbKT87-CbX
Chapter I: 2nd Entrance
1. Kenji Kawai/Ghost in the Shell OST - Virtual Crime
2. Queensrÿche - Real World
3. Dream Theater - To Live Forever
4. Lemur Voice - Celestial Haze (Instrumental): Part 1
5. Lemur Voice - Deep Inside: Part 2
6. Rush - Bravado
7. Kim Mitchell - All we are
8. Alcatrazz - Will you be home tonight
9. Kansas - Going Through the Motions
10. Lunatic Soul - Out On a Limb
11. Mystery - Dear Someone
12. Porcupine Tree - Lips Of Ashes
13. Opeth - Benighted
14. OSI - When You're Ready
15. The Gathering - Bad Movie Scene
16. Dark Suns - Amphibian Halo
17. Fates Warning - So
18. Steven Wilson- Routine
19. My Dying Bride - Love's Intolerable Pain
20. Dead Can Dance - The Love That Cannot Be
21. Opeth - Hex Omega
22. Steve Hackett - Take These Pearls
23. Trevor Rabin - I Miss You Now
24. King's X - The Difference (In the Garden of St. Anne's on the Hill)
25. Yes - Take The Water To The Mountain/Album version
Chapter II: 2nd Entrance
26. Trevor Jones (Adaptation of Richard Wagner); Excalibur OST - Parsifal (Prelude)
27. Pain of Salvation - The Perfect Element
28. Budgie - Flowers in the Attic
29. Green Carnation - The Boy in the Attic
30. Cea Serin - Meridian's Tear
31. Absolace - Chroma Mera
32. Soen - Koniskas
33. Tool - The Grudge
34. Clover Seeds - The Opening
No lyrics at this time :(
35. Karnivool - Aeons
36. Votum - Coda
37. Retrospective - Regret and Frightened Child
38. Guilt Machine - Perfection?
39. Leprous - Painful Detour
40. Enochian Theory - The Fire Around The Lotus
41. Sentenced - No One There
42. Dante - Beautifully Broken
43. Riverside - Towards the Blue Horizon
44. Devin Townsend Project - Awake!!
45. Paradise Lost - Shadowkings
46. Rush - Earthshine
47. Gazpacho - I've Been Walking (part 2)
48. AIHVHIA - Homeless
Lyrics not available
49. Anekdoten - The Great Unknown
50. Opeth - Hessian Peel
51. Änglagård - Jordrök (Instrumental)
*hidden tracks - I usually did this on my CD versions. I tracked-in long periods of silence (approx. 6 second tracks of silence that would fit on any given CD) to a hidden track as a surprise to the listener. Especially if listening on headphones. From the odd, something humorous to a hidden track on a CD.
The world will find a way . . . Dear Someone"
- Mystery
Chapter 5
Esoteric Incarnations ~ 3rd entrance . . .
― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
It's just a seven hour movie, and I'm in every scene
Let me in my TV, and get this tape to Tori
Got to have a subplot, when I sell them my life story
Maybe I should write it first, do the living later
'Cause life is so much cleaner on the page"
- Chroma Key
- Chapter II as well for "nocturnal movements VI", many additions I had purchased after or bands I had discovered that I'll have to seek out soon. The opening soundtrack though is different here as I chose Hans Zimmer's "The Dream is Collapsing" from the film "Inception".
I guess I'll have to make this series in "3's" so you don't wallow in too much sorrow :). I hope everyone has enjoyed this walk through the melancolia.
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2DU3TBNutEfs6mwWx_xIRZuJWhL6m2dF
Chapter I: 3rd Entrance
1. Ramin Djawadi/Game of Thrones OST - Main Title (Extended)
2. Chroma Key - On the Page
3. Steven Wilson - Significant Other
4. Riverside - Loose Heart
5. Deadsoul Tribe - Any Sign At All
6. OSI - Stockholm
7. Ephrat - Better Than Anything
8. Cea Serin - Intro-A Fracture in Forever: Part 1
9. Cea Serin - Embracing the Absence: Part 2
10. Votum - The Hunt Is On
11. My Dying Bride - Thy Raven Wings
12. Paradise Lost - Praise Lamented Shade
13. Oblique Rain - Shadows Entwined
No lyrics available at this time :(
14. Enochian Theory - Movement / After The Movement
15. Karnivool - Umbra
16. Clover Seeds - Over Camellia
No available lyrics :(
17. TOOL - Eon Blue Apocalypse / The Patient
18. Soen - Oscillation
19. Absolace - Spero Melior
20. Kingcrow - In Crescendo
21. Katatonia - Day and Then the Shade
22. Leprous - Passing
23. Opeth - Reverie / Harlequin Forest
24. Paatos - Falling
25. Orphaned Land - Bereft In The Abyss
Here's an example of music with very few words yet is able to move me
to tears.
Chapter II: 3rd Entrance
26. Hans Zimmer/Inception OST - Dream Is Collapsing
27. Haken - Somebody
28. Porcupine Tree - Way Out Of Here
29. Skyharbor - Blind Side
30. Atmospheres - Voices (instrumental)
31. Oceansize - Only twin
32. TesseracT - April
33. Demians - Shine
34. The Ocean - Siderian / Rhycian (Untimely Meditations)
35. Ancestors - On the Wind
36. Storm Corrosion - Drag Ropes
37. Queensrÿche - Open Road
38. Opeth - Folklore
39. Katatonia - The One You Are Looking for is Not Here
40. Anathema - Beginning And The End
41. Fates Warning - Into the Black
42. Sabbat - Paint the World Black
43. Black Tape for a Blue Girl - Fin De Siécle
44. Gardenian - If Tomorrow's Gone
45. Cocteau Twins - Alice
46. The Gathering - Herbal Movement
47. Peter Murphy - Subway
48. Frost* - Snowman
49. After Forever - Lonely
50. Black Sabbath - Over and Over
51. Queensrÿche - Someone Else?
52. Aksel Terkelsen - Music from "Inception" (Metal version)
fin.
*Hidden tracks per usual.
https://mavearworx.weebly.com/blog/m-a-v-e-a-r-w-o-r-x-track-to-track-esoteric-incarnations-part-2
"All my life they said I was going down,
But I'm still standing, stronger, proud.
And today I know there's so much more I can be
I think I finally understand.
From where I stand at the crossroads edge,
There's a path leading out to sea.
And from somewhere
Deep in my mind,
Sirens sing out loud
Songs of doubt
As only they know how.
But one glance back reminds, and I see,
Someone else not me.
I keep looking back
At someone else
. . . me?"
- Queensrÿche